Blondes

I love Blonde jokes.  This is somewhat politically sensitive, as my wife is blonde, and my kids verge on blondeness.  There is something eternal about these jokes though - it isn't just that they apply to blondes.  Nevertheless, that's a good enough excuse.

What's the blonde cheer?
"I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N... oh well, I'm blonde, I'm blonde!!"

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge? "The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car.

He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed our but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains
in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. 

"What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says," Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" 

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten bastard," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.  She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is really angry.  She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so she is overcome with grief. She points the gun at her head, and the boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."  The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next."

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes officer, I'm just fine!" the blonde chirped.

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was..."

"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off. "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles.  That was your air freshener swinging back and forth".

Two blondes are waiting on a bus stop, when a bus pulls up and opens the door. One of the blondes leans inside and asks the driver: "Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?"

The bus driver shakes his head and says, "No, I'm sorry."

At this the other blonde leans inside, smiles and twitters: "Will it take ME?"

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one
ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are
SHOWING, it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE!  The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.

The man had taken his date, a young blond woman, to see a famous pianist. Halfway through, she tapped on his shoulder.

"What's he playing?" she asked.

"Chopin's Polonaise in A-flat," he responded.

"Oh," she sighed, "I could have sworn it was a piano."

The blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.

A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

She says, "Why, officer?"

"Because your breast is exposed."

"Oh. My God," says the blond. "I left the baby on the bus!"

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time.  She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions, "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"

The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off.

Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?"

The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"

Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping and her and asking if someone else could have a go. The blonde spins around and shouts: "Can't you see I'm winning?!"

What's the mating call of an UGLY blonde?
"I said I'M DRUNK!"

The Baltimore Police Department, famous for its superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken back by this recent incident.

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on all channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

The K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a tight leash.

The woman ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps, put her face in her hands and moaned.........

"I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!

A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde walk into a bar. For the sake of brevity, each one orders her drink with an abbreviated code word. The Brunette walks up to the bartender and says, "Hey give me an ML." The bartender nods his head and hands her a Miller Lite.

Following her, the Redhead walks up to the bartender and says, "I'd like a BL." Giving her a nod, the bartender pulls up a Bud Lite.

Last, the Blonde walks up to the bartender and says, "Give me a Fifteen."

"A Fifteen?" the bartender replies, "What the hell is that?"

"Oh, you know," the blonde says, "A Seven and Seven."

A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road..

She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers.

Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs. It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the hell is going on here?"

"My car broke down," says the lady, calmly..

"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?!" asks the cop.

And she said.... (remember, she's a blonde...)

"Those are my emergency flashers!" 

One-Line Blond Jokes:

    She thought a quarterback was a refund.

    She tripped over the cordless phone.

    She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind.

    She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

    If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

    When she heard that 90% of all crimes happened around the home, she moved.

Did you hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? 

It took her months to figure out she could use it at night.

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?

"Look!  They spelled MACY'S wrong!"

Why can't blondes take coffee breaks?

They're too hard to retrain.

What do you call 9 blondes standing in a circle?

A dope ring.

Why can't blondes be pharmacists?

Because they can't fit the bottle in the typewriter.

On the slightly risque side:

    What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
    Humpme Dumpme.

    What is a blonde's view of safe sex?
    A padded headboard.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest breasts?
The blonde, because she's 18.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What's the definition of eternity?
Four blondes at a 4-way stop.

What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the ocean?
An air pocket.

What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A whine cellar.

Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
"This Goes In Front."

What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
"Oh, look!  Donut seeds!

This blonde heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked, "Pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No. Just up to my tits."

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" 

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6' 2, weighs 225 and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6' 5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of us is blonde. Think about it, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

The blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bottom deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?"

"Yes!" said the blonde, "I will go and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the chemist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."

A blonde was sick and tired of hearing jokes about being dumb.  She decided to dye her hair black and set out to prove to the world just how wrong they were about blondes.

She drove out of the city and into the country where there were many sheep farms. She spotted a sheep farmer, stopped her car and said, "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep are in your field, will you give me a sheep?" He said "Sure!" She counted and said "131." The farmer said, "That's Right! Go ahead and get a sheep."  The blonde went and got her sheep.

Then, the farmer said, "If I tell you what color your hair really is, can I have it back?" and she said, "Yes."

"Blonde. Now give me back my dog."

11 women were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette.

As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen the rope would break and
everyone would perish.

For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered. Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.

The blondes applauded.

Some more brief entries:

    What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
    Pregnant with twins.

    How do you get a blonde to marry you?
    Tell her she's pregnant.

    You know what she'll say after that?
    Is it mine?

    Why can't blondes dial 911?
    They can't find the eleven on the phone.

    Did you hear about the two blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
    They went to see "Closed for the Winter."

    Why don't blondes like making Kool-Aid?
    Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.

    Why was the blonde reviewing the ABCs?
    She was studying for a multiple choice test.

    Why do blondes put rulers on their foreheads?
    They want to measure their intelligence.

    Why do blondes stand under light bulbs?
    It's the closest they'll come to a bright idea.

    Why do blonde nurses bring red magic markers to work?
    In case they have to draw blood.

Only in our Office -- Another true story

Several weeks ago we hired a blond who wasn't the brightest crayon in the box.  One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"  "Just use copier machine paper," she told him.

With that, the blond took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

Why do blondes always fail driver's tests?
Every time the car stops, they hop in the back seat.

What does a blonde use for birth control?
Brown hair-dye.

What goes vroom-screech, vroom-screech?
A blonde driving through a flashing red light.

One day a blonde was driving to California. On the way, she saw a sign that said, Clean Restrooms Ahead. By the time she finally reached the coast, she had scrubbed and polished 68 of them.

A young ventriloquist was touring the small clubs and stopped to entertain at a small bar in a small town. He was going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a large blonde woman in the fourth row stood on
her chair and yelled, "I've heard just about enough of your degrading blonde jokes, Asshole! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work, and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person...because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but woman at large...all in the name of humor!"

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde piped up, "You stay out of this mister!, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"

The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who
would it be?" The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."

A blonde bought two horses and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our blonde friend was stuck again. The neighbor suggested she notch the ear on one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence.

Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.

A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street and they pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh damn, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again for no reason."

The blonde looks at her and says, "What's the big deal? Don't you like getting flowers?"

The brunette says, "Oh sure...but I just don't feel like spending the next 3 days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

Two blondes were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name of the town.

Finally they stopped for lunch. After getting their food, one of the blondes said to the cashier, 'Can you settle an argument for us?  Very slowly, tell us where we are. The cashier leaned over the counter and said,
'Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg'.

Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, 

"What is Easter?" 

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful and stuff..."

"Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and drink eggnog." 

St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?" 

The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."

"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously. 

"Easter is the Christian holiday, that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper. Then the Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby 
cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."

St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. Then the third blonde continues, 

"Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out...and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."

Not to long ago a blonde woman I know had a near death experience that has changed her forever. She was horseback riding, and everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all
her might to hang on, but was thrown off.

Her foot became caught in the stirrup. She fell head first to the ground and her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down.

Just when things were looking their worst, as she was giving up hope and about to lose consciousness, there was a miracle: The Walmart manager came and unplugged it.

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead and one's a blonde.

The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready!... Aim! ..."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!" Everyone is startled and looks around as the brunette escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts, "Ready!... Aim! ..."

Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!" Once again, everyone is startled and looks around, while the redhead silently slips away.

By now the blonde has it all figured out, and the guard brings her forward.  The executioner asks if she has any last requests, she says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready! ... Aim! ..." and the blonde yells, "FIRE!"

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor. 

"You have to help me, I hurt all over," said the woman. 

"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific." 

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too!" Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts!" she cried. 

The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked, "Are you a natural blonde?" "Why, yes," she said. 

"I thought so," said the doctor. "You have a broken finger."

SHE WAS SO BLONDE...

    ...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate";
    ...she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK";
    ...she thought TuPac Shakur was a jewish holiday;
    ...under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics";
    ...at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. she put"Sagittarius";
    ...it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes;
    ...she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center;
    ...she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats;
    ...she sold the car for gas money;
    ...when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home!

Q: How does the blond turn on the light after she has had sex?
A: She opens the car door.

Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.

Q: What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair?
A: Last year's hide-and-go-seek winner.

The bank agrees to accept the Car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blond replies...."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Finally, a smart Blonde joke!