Kids

A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."

A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service: "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me." The boy replied, "Then why do you keep crossing things out?"

After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"

Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?" "Oh, that's Pontius - the Pilot."

The Sunday School Teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," little Johnny replied, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook."

A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!" A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character would plunge through. The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend. A student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"

Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!' It worked."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your freakin' cat!"

The father, as they are wont to do, goes into a long lecture on the nature of God and how mankind has associated human characteristics with the Almighty in an attempt at better understanding, etc. He ends with the observation that God is neither male nor female, black nor white, straight nor gay, to which Johnny responds ... "Oh, is God Michael Jackson, then?"

Jimmy's mother thought this an effective method, and tried it on Jimmy the next day. As she relayed this to her son, his eyes grew wide, and he immediately stopped sucking his thumb, cold turkey.

A week or so later, Jimmy and his mother were on the bus trying to find a seat. They made there way to the back of the bus where a 9 month pregnant lady sat. Upon seeing this, Jimmy pointed at the woman and blurted out: I know what you've been doing!

Not really knowing what a Yankees fan was but wanting to be just like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy did not go along with the crowd.

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Yankees fan."

Then, asks the teacher, what are you? "Why I'm proud to be a Red Sox fan," boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a Red Sox fan.

"Well, My Dad and Mom are Red Sox fans, and I'm a Red Sox fan too." The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Lucy "I'd be a Yankees fan."

Things I've learned from my children (Honest and No Kidding):

• A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
• If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
• A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
• If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20X20 foot room.
• You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
• A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
• When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
• Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
• A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
• Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.
• Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
• Super glue is forever.
• No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
• Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
• VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
• Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
• Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
• You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
• Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
• Plastic toys do not like ovens.
• The fire department in Austin has a 5 minute response time.
• The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy and cats throw up twice their body weight.

"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three."

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"

"A jack," says the kid.

Shouting to make your children obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results.

To be in your children's memories tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today.

The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are still on your side.

The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere ~ and to let the air out of the tires.

The right temperature in a home is maintained by warm hearts, not by hot heads.

Raising a teenager is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

 Parents: People who bare infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds.

The joy of motherhood: the time when all the children are finally in bed.

Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car.

Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

Grandparents are similar to a piece of string... handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of grandchildren.

A child outgrows your lap, but never outgrows your heart.

God gave you two ears and one mouth.... so you should listen twice as much as you talk.

Adolescence is the age when children try to bring up their parents.

You know the only people in this world who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who've never had any.

Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.

Oh to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am.

There are only two things a child will share willingly... communicable diseases and his mother's age.

Adolescence is the age at which children stop asking questions because they know all the answers.

An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who don't have small children.

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

No wonder kids are confused today. Half the adults tell them to find themselves; the other half tell them to get lost.

Kids really brighten a household; they never turn off any lights.

"The only accidents are the ones you make in your pants." - Ari K, age 7

"Everyone has feelings, except for snakes and principals." - Donna Maria G, age 9

"Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and the world laughs at you." - Rob P, age 8

"If life gives you nothing but lemons, make up a better shopping list for it." - Steven B, age 8

"Don't eat ladyfingers - even if you know the lady they came from." - Susannah K., age 6

"When a movie is PG-13 that means how many minutes your mom will let you watch before turning it off." - Jon G., age 12

"Moses came down with the Ten Amendments, which were God's Bill of Wrongs." - Susie F., age 7

"Doctors automatically know what's wrong with you. They have a sick sense." - Beau M., age 10

"My dog had worms. I think he was going fishing." - Emma B., age 4

The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in.)

In the first book of the Bible, Guinness's, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

The seventh commandment is that thou shat not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.

He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

1. Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.
2. Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.
3. Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr. "NO, NO!"
4. Add margarine to 2 cups sugar. Take shortening can away from Tommy and clean cupboards.
5. Measure 1/3 cup cocoa. Take shortening can away from Tommy again and bathe cat.
6. Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail.
7. Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour. Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.
8. Take telephone away from Tommy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.
9. Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well. Let cat out of refrigerator.
10. Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan. Bake 25 minutes.
11. Rescue cat and take razor away from Tommy. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn.
12. Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away.

Mix the following in saucepan:
1 cup sugar
1 oz. unsweetened chocolate
1/4 cup margarine

Take the damn teddy bear out of the broiler and throw it away--far away. Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know Jr. had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street.

Put Jr. in playpen. Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes. Answer the door and apologize to neighbor for Tommy having stuck a garden hose in the man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined car pet. Tie Tommy to clothesline.

Remove burned brownies from oven.

Better to be safe than......................punch a 5th grader
Never underestimate the power of............termites
You can lead a horse to water but...........how?
Don't bite the hand that....................looks dirty
No news is..................................impossible
A miss is as good as a......................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new..............math
If you lie down with dogs, you'll...........stink in the morning
Love all, trust.............................me
The pen is mightier than the................pigs
An idle mind is.............................the best way to relax
Where there's smoke there's.................pollution
Happy the bride who.........................gets all the presents
A penny saved is............................not much
Two's company, three's......................the Musketeers
Don't put off till tomorrow what............you put on to go to bed
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and..................you have to blow your nose
None are so blind as........................Stevie Wonder
Children should be seen and not.............spanked or grounded
If at first you don't succeed...............get new batteries
You get out of something what you...........see pictured on the box
When the blind leadeth the blind............get out of the way
And the favorite.....
Better late than............................pregnant

1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10

2. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. - Michael, 14

3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Michael, 14

4. Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9

5. Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, 13

6. Don't squat with your spurs on. - Noronha, 13

7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. - Emily, 10

8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. - Taylia, 11

9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. - Traci, 14

10. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. - Kyoyo, 9

11. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. - Armir, 9

12. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, 9

13. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. - Joel, 10

14. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. - Alyesha, 13

15. Never try to baptize a cat. - Eileen, 8

One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home. She said "...And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said "Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?"

Then the teacher asked the class "And what do you think that man said?" and my friend's son raised his hand and said "I know! I know! He said 'Holy Shit!! A talking pig!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet).

Consequently, people tend to cheat of their diets, or quit after 3 days. Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet. Over the years you may have noticed that most two year olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet,otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck !!!

DAY ONE

Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.

Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).

Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Sprite. Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO

Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.

Lunch: Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug.

Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.

DAY THREE

Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of best chair.

Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.

FINAL DAY

Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.

Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens." "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath." he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

Another three year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom. I KNOW they're my feet."

On the first day of school, the kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"

"Can people predict the future with cards?"
"My mother can."
"Really?"
"Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what wil happen when my father gets home."

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

"Where's the English Channel? " "I don't know, our television doesn't pick it up."

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."

It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child, was home alone with her 3 year old daughter, Katelyn. When Heidi started to go into labor she called "911". Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet, and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide eyed 3 year old Katelyn what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again!"