She said "With whom did you wish to speak?"
There was a long pause and the woman said "Did you just say whom?"
She replied: "Yes I did...."
Woman: "I have the wrong number." Click.
AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again.
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.
TWO MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: Able to whine in words.
WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house...
Let me use it in a sentence: "I should pop a cap in yo ass fo what you
jus did, but omelette dis one slide."
1. The bandage was WOUND around the WOUND.
2. His farm was used to PRODUCE PRODUCE.
3. The full dump had to REFUSE any more REFUSE.
4. Let us POLISH the POLISH furniture.
5. He could LEAD if he'd get the LEAD out.
6. Soldiers decided to DESERT their dessert in the DESERT.
7. A BASS was painted on the head of the BASS drum.
8. Immediately the DOVE DOVE into the bushes.
9. He did not OBJECT to the OBJECT.
10 This insurance was INVALID for the INVALID.
11 There was a ROW among the oarsmen as to how to ROW.
12 They were too CLOSE to the door to CLOSE it.
13 The buck DOES funny things when the DOES are present.
14 A seamstress and a SEWER fell down into a SEWER line.
15 To help with planting, the farmer taught his SOW to SOW.
16 The WIND was too strong to WIND the sail.
17 After a NUMBER of injections my jaw got NUMBER.
18 Upon seeing a TEAR in the painting, I shed a TEAR.
19 He had to SUBJECT the SUBJECT to a series of tests.
20 How can I INTIMATE this to my most INTIMATE friend?
21 There's no time like the PRESENT, so it was time to PRESENT
the PRESENT !
TENDJEWBERRYMUD
Its amazing, you will understand the above word by
the end of the conversation. Read aloud for best results. "Tendjewberrymud"
Be warned, you're going to find yourself talking
"funny" for a while after reading this. The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel
guest and room-service at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded
and published in the Far East Economic Review.....
Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"
RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor
sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry,
scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"
RS:"San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know
what 'judo one toes 'means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow
singlish mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying
'Toast.' Fine. Yes,an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No..just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache,
crease baychem,tossy singlish mopping we bother honey
sigh, and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G : "You're welcome"
The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."
In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."
Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."
The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."
When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.
Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals". Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.
When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company's mistakenly thought the Spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."
Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained "It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused."
Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "big breasts." In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno mag.
In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.
and finally...
Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered
English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex
tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist
Company changed its name.
Here are some recent winners:
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Burglesque: A poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate)
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. {this happens at certain large companies which will remain nameless}
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts
until you realize it was your money to start with.
The virus is causing something akin to panic throughout corporate
America, which has become used to the typos, misspellings, missing
words and mangled syntax so acceptable in cyberspace. The CEO of
LoseItAll.com, an Internet startup, said the virus has rendered
him helpless. "Each time I tried to send one particular e-mail
this morning, I got back this error message: 'Your dependent
clause preceding your independent clause must be set off by
commas, but one must not precede the conjunction.' I threw my
laptop across the room."
A poll conducted among INFOCUS readers had established "waka" as the proper pronunciation for the angle-bracket characters < and >, though some readers held out resolutely for "norkies."
The text of the poem follows:
<>!*''#
^"`$$-
!*=@$_
%*<>~#4
&[]../
|{,,SYSTEM HALTED
The poem can only be appreciated by reading it aloud, to wit:
Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash,
Caret quote back-tick dollar dollar
dash,
Bang splat equal at dollar
under-score,
Percent splat waka waka tilde number
four,
Ampersand bracket bracket dot dot
slash,
Vertical-bar curly-bracket comma
comma CRASH.
A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements:
- religion
- royalty
- sex
- mystery
The prize-winning essay read:
"My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because it's much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
If 21 is twenty one and 31 is thirty one, Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
If the singular of GEESE is GOOSE, shouldn't a Portuguese person be called a Portugoose?
If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stalebread to begin with.
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why don't tomb, comb, and bomb sound alike?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why is a procrastinator's work never done?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple?
Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I windup a
project, I end it?
Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, 'is this guy blind, or what?'
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman.
"I didn't even touch you," grouses the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true....but you have all the equipment..."
The recursive acronym "GNU's Not Unix" harbors a stack overflow bug that can cause the English language to crash and may allow arbitrary linguistic commands to be executed, according to a message posted on gnu.acronym.bug this morning. All sites running GNU software are urged to apply a temporary patch which changes the expansion of the acronym to "GNU Needs Users", until a permanent patch is avaliable. GNU project founder Richard M. Stallman is currently hunting the error in the acronym he created over a decade ago.
"Linguistic bugs are notoriously difficult to track down," Stallman told segfault.org via email. "The capacity of the stack depends on the memory of the person reading the buggy text. In addition, there is not yet any English interface to gdb, which means searching manually through coredumps to find the problem."
Most people experience the stack overflow at around 600 expansions of the acronym. In practice, few people have cause to carry the expansion this far, so the main concern lies with the security risk posed by the bug. Although no exploit has yet been discovered, a malicious user could theoretically embed commands into the same section of text as the acronym expansion, allowing them to change the syntax of the language, redefine words, and create new figures of speech with arbitrary meanings.
Many on the net saw the bug as a chance to reopen old holy wars. "The stack problems that are endemic in the computer industry today are a direct result of the widespread adoption of English as the language of choice," said one Dothead. "English is a fine tool for low-level descriptions and expository writing, but it offers too many inconsistencies and is far too unstable to use in production environments. It's time to move to languages like Esperanto that feature built-in stack protection." When it was pointed out that he had written his comment in English, the poster went into an incoherent rant, finishing with "La cina industrio, kun fama milijara tradicio, pli kaj pli largskale produktas ankau komputilon! Sed kiel aspekta la cina komputil-merkato el la vidpunko de la aplikanto? Mi provos respondi al tiu demando lau personaj spertoj en la plej granda cina urbo, Sanhajo!"
FUD Week magazine was quick to cash in on the incident, as well. "It is clear that freeware cannot be relied upon to keep the English language secure," says an online editorial. "We suggest that these `computer hippies` get their acts together before attempting hippopotamus nap delta foley snurk tin possibility."
Meanwhile, an anxious public waits for the restoration of the GNU
acronym. Until the bug is fixed, we urge you to download the
temporary patch from your nearest mirror site and keep in mind
that this process of continuous revision is what has made both free
software and human language into forces to be reckoned with.
2) Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.
3) Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4) Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
5) Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
6) Decaflon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
8) Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry.
9) Faunacated (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence faunacatering (n.), which has made a meal of many species.
10) Foreploy (n.) Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex.
11) Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where government projects without funding dwell.
12) Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world.
14) Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.
15) Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and
prevents you from drifting off to sleep.
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer
AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.
FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART DOG
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES, 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT'S OWN 1988 MUSTANG, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
2 TINKLE ME ELMO DOLLS - BEST OFFER
BLACK FACE COWS, CALVES...ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR DOG
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.
SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE - 89 cents
GERMAN SHEPHARD. 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BTH HOME.
FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50
CHARMIN ULTRA BATHROOM TISSUE -- BONELESS
NORDIC TRACK $300 - HARDLY USED - CALL CHUBBIE at:
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING - "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG...LOOKS LIKE A RAT...BEEN OUT AWHILE... BETTER BE A REWARD.
GET A LITTLE JOHN - THE TRAVELING URINAL HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER.
PRESIDENT'S CHOICE - COW MANURE - 2 33lb bags - $5
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
GEORGIA PEACHES - CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
CUTE KITTEN FOR SALE, 2 CENTS OR BEST OFFER
NICE PARACHUTE - NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE - SLIGHTLY STAINED
WHIRLPOOL BUILT IN OVEN -- FROST FREE!
'93 PONTIAC LEMONS - LOW MILES
FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.
FROZEN SOFT & GENTLE BATH TISSUE - 4 ROLLS 99 CENTS
AMERICAN FLAG - 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED - $100
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
NOTICE: TO PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE. PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD.
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRING - $175.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY, MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER-$300.
LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.
After thirty minutes, the Captain finally speaks. He says, "I don't like Chinese."
The F.O. replies, "Ooooh, no like Chinese?? Why is that?"
The Captain says, "You bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese."
The F.O. says, "Nooooo, noooo ... Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah. That JAPANESE, not Chinese."
And the Captain answers, "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese ... it doesn't matter. They're all alike."
Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally the First Officer says, "No like Jew."
The Captain replies, "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?" "Jews sink Titanic."
The Captain tries to correct him, "No, no. The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg."
The F.O. replies, "Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg .. no mattah .. all
same."
The attorney said, "well do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, " No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?" The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere." The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. "WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful
conversation with her."
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch,
I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.
Dormitory | Dirty Room |
Evangelist | Evil's Agent |
Desperation | A Rope Ends It |
The Morse Code | Here Come Dots |
Slot Machines | Cash Lost in 'em |
Animosity | Is No Amity |
Mother-in-law | Woman Hitler |
Snooze Alarms | Alas! No More Z's |
Alec Guinness | Genuine Class |
Semolina | Is No Meal |
The Public Art Galleries | Large Picture Halls, I Bet |
A Decimal Point | I'm a Dot in Place |
The Earthquakes | That Queer Shake |
Eleven plus two | Twelve plus one |
Contradiction | Accord not in it |
This one's amazing: [From Hamlet by Shakespeare]
To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.
In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.
And the grand finale: "That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." -- Neil A. Armstrong
A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag
on moon! On to Mars!
HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS? - Can you drive a French motorcycle?
EX POST FUCTO - Lost in the mail
IDIOS AMIGOS - We're wild and crazy guys!
VENI, VIPI, VICI - I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered.
COGITO EGGO SUUM - I think; therefore I am a waffle.
RIGOR MORRIS - The cat is dead.
RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID - Honk if you're Scottish.
QUE SERA SERF - Life is feudal
LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI -- The king is dead. No kidding.
POSH MORTEM -- Death styles of the rich and famous
PRO BOZO PUBLICO - Support your local clown.
MONAGE A TROIS - I am three years old.
FELIX NAVIDAD - Our cat has a boat.
HASTE CUISINE - Fast French food
VENI, VIDI, VICE - I came, I saw, I partied.
QUIP PRO QUO - A fast retort
MAZEL TON - tons of luck
APRES MOE LE DELUGE - Larry and Curly got wet.
PORTE-KOCHERE - Sacramental wine
ICH LIEBE RICH - I'm really crazy about having dough.
FUI GENERIS - What's mine is mine.
VISA LA FRANCE - Don't leave your chateau without it.
CA VA SANS DIRT -- And that's not gossip.
MERCI RIEN - Thanks for nothin'!
AMICUS PURIAE - Platonic friend
L'ETAT, C'EST MOO - I'm bossy around here.
COGITO, ERGO SPUD - I think, therefore I Yam
Unfortunately, that's no guarantee of anything, as the following poem by Jerry Zar, of the graduate school of Northwestern Illinois University, which passes the Agent spell-checker
Owed to the Spelling Checker
I have a spelling checker.
It came with my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.
Eye ran this poem threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in its weigh
My checker tolled me sew.
A checker is a bless sing,
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me rite awl stiles two reed
And aides me when aye rime.
Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed to bee a joule
The checker pour o'er every word
To check sum spelling rule.
Be fore a veiling checkers
Hour spelling mite decline
And if were lacks or have a laps
We wood be maid to wine.
Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
Their are know faults with in my cite
Of none eye am a wear.
Now spelling does knot phase me,
It does knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped words fare as hear.
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud.
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew floors are knot aloud.
Sow ewe can sea why aye do prays
Such soft ware four pea seas.
And why I brake in two averse
By righting want too pleas
Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."
Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick."
When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used
the same packaging as in the U.S., with the beautiful Caucasian baby on
the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely
put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't
read.
Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be
moving"
New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely
friendly"
Neighbor 1: "So what is it you do for a living?"
New Neighbor: "I'm a professor at the University, I teach deductive
reasoning"
Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
New Neighbor: "Let me give you an example. I see you have a doghouse
out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."
Neighbor 1: "That's right"
New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that
you have a family"
Neighbor 1: "Right again"
New Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife"
Neighbor 1: "Correct"
New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are
heterosexual."
Neighbor 1: "Yup"
New Neighbor: "That's deductive reasoning"
Neighbor 1: "Cool"
Later that same day:
Neighbor 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door"
Neighbor 2: "Is he a nice guy?"
Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job"
Neighbor 2: "Oh, yeah what does he do?"
Neighbor 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the
University"
Neighbor 2: "Deductive reasoning, what's that?"
Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a doghouse?"
Neighbor 2: "No"
Neighbor 1: "Fag."
1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
3. Gun wounds again?
4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
6. Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!
7. Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.
8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
9. Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.
11. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
12. You daring lousy guy.
13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!
14. I have been scared shitless too much lately.
15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!
16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
18. How can you use my intestines as a gift?
19. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat.
20. Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough extermination.
21. Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.
Just then someone in the back of the room yelled, "Format C: Return. "
Someone else chimed in, "Yes, Return."
Unfortunately, the software worked.
Pedro Carolino is one of the all-time freats. In 1883 he wrote an English-Portuguese phrasebook despite having little or no command of the English language.
His greatly recommended book "The New Guide of the Conversation in Portuguese and English" has now been reprinted under the title "English As She is Spoke".
After a brief dedication:
'We expect then, who the little book (for the care what we wrote him, and for her typographical correction) that may be worth the acceptation of the studious persons, and especially of the youth, at which we dedicate him particularly.'
Carolino kicks off with some 'Familiar phrases' which the Portuguese holidaymaker might find useful. Among these are:
Dress your hairs
This hat go well
Undress you to
Exculpate me by your brother's
She make the prude
Do you cut the hairs?
He has tost his all good
He then moves on the 'Familiar Dialogues' which include 'For to wish the good morning,' and 'For to visit a sick.'
Dialogue 18 - 'For to ride a horse' - begins: 'Here is a horse who have bad looks. Give me another. I will not that. He not sall know to march, he is pursy, he is foundered. Don't you are ashamed to give me a jade as like? he is unshoed, he is with nails up.'
In the section on 'Anecdotes' Carolino offers the following guaranteed to enthrall any listener:
'One eyed was laied against a man which had good eyes that he saw better than him. The party was accepted. I had gain, over said the one eyed; why I se you two eyes, and you not look me who one.'
It is difficult to top that, but Carolino manages in a useful section of 'Idiotism and proverbs'. These include:
Nothing some money, nothing of Swissand the well-known expression:
He eat to coaches
A take is better than two you shall have
The stone as roll not heap up not foam
The dog than bark not bite
Carolino's particular genius was aided by the fact that he did not
possess an Enlish-Portuguese Dictionary. However, he did possess
Portuguese-Prench and French-English dictionaries through both of which
he dragged his original expressions. The results yield language of
originality and great beauty. Is there anything in conventional English
which could equal the vividness of 'To craunch a marmoset'?
PUT EACH OF THE FOLLOWING VOCABULARY WORDS IN A SENTENCE. 1. HOTEL: I gave my girlfren da craps and dat Hotel everyone. 2. RECTUM: I had two Cadillacs, but ma 'ol lady Rectum both. 3. DISAPPOINTMENT: My parole offica tol me if I miss Disappointment they gonna send me back to the big house. 4. FORECLOSE: If I pay da alimony dis month, I have no money Foreclose. 5. CATACOMB: Don King was at da fight da udder night, Man, someone get dat Catacomb. 6. PENIS: I went to da doctor and he give me a cup and said Penis. 7. ISRAEL: Alonso try to sell me a Rolex, I say Man, dat look fake. He say no, Israel. 8. STAIN: My mother axed me if I was Stain fo dinner. 9. SELDOM: My cousin give me two tickets to da Knicks game, so I Seldom. 10. ODYSSEY: I tol my brother you Odyssey da tits on dat hoe. 11. INCOME: I jus got in bed wit dis hoe and Income my wife. 12. HONOR: At the rape trial da judge axed my buddy who be Honor first. 13. FORTIFY: I axed dat hoe how much? an she said Fortify.
Understandably, no one volunteered to be Miss Idaho.
The Encino School Board has declared Jewish English a second language. Backers of the move say the district is the first in the nation to recognize Hebonics as the language of many of America's Jews. Here are some descriptions of the characteristics of the language, and samples of phrases in standard English and Hebonics.
Samples of Pronunciation Characteristics:
Jewish English or "Hebonics" hardens consonants at the ends of words. Thus, "hand" becomes "handt."
The letter "W" is always pronounced as if it were a "V." Thus "walking" becomes "valking."
"R" sounds are transformed to a guttural utterance that is virtually impossible to spell in English. It is "ghraining" "alrgheady."
Samples of Idiomatic Characteristics:
Questions are always answered with questions.
Question: "How do you feel?" Hebonics response: "How should I feel?"
The subject is often placed at the end of a sentence after a pronoun has been used at the beginning: "She dances beautifully, that girl."
The sarcastic repetition of words by adding "sh" or "shm" to the front is used for emphasis: mountains becomes "shmountains"; turtle becomes "shmurtle."
Sample Usage Comparisons:
Standard English Phrase | Hebonics Phrase |
"He walks slowly." | "Like a fly in the ointment he walks." |
"You're sexy." | (unknown concept) |
"Sorry, I do not know the time | "What do I look like, a clock?" |
"I hope things turn out for the | "You should BE so lucky." best." |
"Anything can happen." | "It is never so bad, it can't get worse." |
ON METAPHYSICS Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before. ON DEEP THOUGHTS A day without sunshine is like night. ON PARADOX AND RETURN POLICIES There is a CD out entitled "The Worst of Jefferson Airplane". If you buy this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back and demand a refund? ON HIGHER EDUCATION College is a fountain of knowledge...and the students are there to drink. ON MATHEMATICAL TRANSFORMS A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform. ON YOUTH "Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk." -- Steven King, 3/8/90 ON PROBLEM SOLVING When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail. -- Abraham Maslow ON MATERIALISM He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead. ON RELIGIOUS PRACTICES Photons have mass? I didn't know they were catholic! ON ECONOMICS The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. ON PUBLISHING OR PERISHING I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. -- English Professor, Ohio University ON DATING When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the occasional division by zero. ON LAMENTATION Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. ON POETIC LOVE When you're swimmin' in the creek And an eel bites your cheek That's a moray! -- Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers ON MODERNISM Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. ON MATERIAL SCIENCE Character density: The number of very weird people in the office. ON LITERATURE This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. -- Dorothy Parker ON HUMILITY To err is human, to moo bovine. ONE EXPLANATION OF THE END "... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs." -- Robert Firth ON PROPHECY The meek shall inherit the earth---they are too weak to refuse. ON EXCUSES I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. -- Joe Walsh ON NUMBERS Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3---not even for very large values of 2. ON WORLD POLITICS Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock. AND FINALLY, ON DRUGS AND DEVELOPMENT There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
It had been a rough day, so when I walked into the party I was very chalant, despite my efforts to appear gruntled and consolate.
I was furling my wieldy umbrella for the coat check when I saw her standing alone in a corner. She was a descript person, a woman in a state of total array. Her hair was kempt, her clothing shevelled, and she moved in a gainly way.
I wanted desperately to meet her, but I knew I'd have to make bones about it since I was travelling cognito. Beknownst to me, the hostess, whom I could see both hide and hair of, was very proper, so it would be skin off my nose if anything bad happened. And even though I had only swerving loyalty to her, my manners couldn't be peccable. Only toward and heard-of behavior would do.
Fortunately, the embarrassment that my maculate appearance might cause was evitable. There were two ways about it, but the chances that someone as flappable as I would be ept enough to become persona grata or a sung hero were slim. I was, after all, something to sneeze at, someone you could easily hold a candle to, someone who usually aroused bridled passion.
So I decided not to risk it. But then, all at once, for some apparent reason, she looked in my direction and smiled in a way that I could make heads or tails of.
I was plussed. It was concerting to see that she was communicado, and it nerved me that she was interested in a pareil like me, sight seen. Normally, I had a domitable spirit, but, being corrigible, I felt capacitated--as if this were something I was great shakes at--and forgot that I had succeeded in situations like this only a told number of times. So, after a terminable delay, I acted with mitigated gall and made my way through the ruly crowd with strong givings.
Nevertheless, since this was all new hat to me and I had no time to prepare a promptu speech, I was petuous. Wanting to make only called-for remarks, I started talking about the hors d'oeuvres, trying to abuse her of the notion that I was sipid, and perhaps even bunk a few myths about myself.
She responded well, and I was mayed that she considered me a savory character who was up to some good. She told me who she was. "What a perfect nomer," I said, advertently. The conversation become more and more choate, and we spoke at length to much avail. But I was defatigable, so I had to leave at a godly hour. I asked if she wanted to come with me. To my delight, she was committal. We left the party together and have been together ever since. I have given her my love, and she has requited it.