An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car, you scumbags!"
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation, but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why.
A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying large handgun.
No charges were filed!
Ah, senior moments!
Bear HugIn a recent column Susan Trausch [Globe columnist] referred to Smokey the Bear. It is true that Smokey the Bear deserves praise for his campaign against forest fires. But nobody ever mentions the boy scouts he kills for their hats.
(signed) Martin H. Slobodkin
Cambridge
Two men stole a ten-foot pile of rusty scrap steel, not knowing it was a
$51,000 environmentally compatible piece of art representing a heap of
rusty scrap steel.
A Doctor at Yale has observed that all the fingers have names, but that only the big toe has a name. He thus proposes names for all 5 toes:porcellus fori, porcellus domi, porcellus carnivorus, porcellus non voratus, porcellus plorans domum.
[For the non-Latin speaking: this refers to the children's rhyme "This little piggie went to market."]
From yesterday's San Jose Mercury News: "In exchange for their weapons, gun owners got an impressive bounty of gifts that included San Jose Sharks and San Francisco Giants tickets, in-line skates, a computer video game [Quake III? ;)] and dinner for two at a Mexican restaurant, altogether valued at $300."
This is very exciting, since I'll bet that one can legally buy a used Raven in .25 for something like $20. So, you have proven arbitrage for $280. I wonder why all kinds of people are not running to their local cheap gun store to cash in on this awesome value! And to make it even better, I read that the Clinton administration wants to spend $15M on these kinds of programs!
I wonder if I should write down this argument on a piece of paper and
poster it so the homeless can realize how their time is much better spent
than collecting cans?
Later, from his hospital bed he explained to a reporter through bandages on his mouth, "I thought that the bell of my trombone would shield me from the explosion and instead, would focus the energy of the blast outward and away from me, propelling the mute high above the orchestra, like a rocket."
However, Paolo was not up on his propulsion physics nor qualified to use high-powered artillery and in his haste to get the horn up before the firecracker went off, he failed to raise the bell of the horn high enough so as to give the mute enough arc to clear the orchestra.
What actually happened should serve as a lesson to us all during those delirious moments of divine inspiration. First, because he failed to sufficiently elevate the bell of his horn, the blast propelled the mute between rows of players in the woodwind and viola sections of the orchestra, missing the players and straight into the stomach of the conductor, driving him off the podium and directly into the front row of the audience.
Fortunately, the audience were sitting in folding chairs and thus they were protected from serious injury, for the chairs collapsed under them passing the energy of the impact of the flying conductor backwards into row of people sitting behind them, who in turn were driven back into the people in the row behind and so on, like a row of dominos. The sound of collapsing wooden chairs and grunts of people falling on their behinds increased logarithmically, adding to the overall sound of brass cannons and brass playing as constitutes the closing measures of the Overture.
Meanwhile, all of this unplanned choreography not withstanding, back on stage Paolo's Waterloo was still unfolding. According to Paolo, "Just as I heard the sound of the blast, time seemed to stand still. Everything moved in slow motion. Just before I felt searing pain to my mouth, I could swear I heard a voice with a Austrian accent say "Fur every akshon zer iz un eekvul un opposeet reakshon!" Well, this should come as no surprise, for Paolo had set himself up for a textbook demonstration of this fundamental law of physics. Having failed to plug the lead pipe of his trombone, he allowed the energy of the blast to send a super heated jet of gas backwards through the mouth pipe of the trombone which exited the mouthpiece burning his lips and face.
The pyrotechnic ballet wasn't over yet. The force of the blast was so great it split the bell of his shiny Yamaha right down the middle, turning it inside out while at the same time propelling Paolo backwards off the riser. And for the grand finale, as Paolo fell backwards he lost his grip on the slide of the trombone allowing the pressure of the hot gases coursing through the horn to propel the trombone's slide like a double golden spear into the head of the 3rd clarinetist, knocking him unconscious.
The moral of the story? Beware the next time you hear someone in the
trombone section yell out "Hey, everyone, watch this!"
First the non-renewable: The congregation of a small stone church in England decided that the stone which formed the step up to the front door had become two worn by its years of use, and would have to be replaced. Unfortunately, there were hardly any funds available for the replacement. Then someone came up with the bright idea that the replacement could be postponed for many years by simply turning the block of stone over. They discovered that their great-grandparents had beaten them to it.
Now the renewable: An entomologist at New College, Oxford ("New" because its only a few centuries old), discovered beetles infesting the oak beams supporting the roof of the Great Hall. It was fairly urgent that these be replaced before the roof collapsed -- but anyone who has looked at the price of oak lately can tell you , that this was not something the college budget was prepared for. Since oak from a commercial supplier was out of the question, someone suggested that the college Forester be sent for. His job was to administer the various scattered tracts of land that had been deeded to the college when it was founded. The trustees hoped he might know of suitable trees on college land.
It turned out that there was indeed a suitable stand of mighty oaks. They
had been planted when the college was founded, and down the centuries each
Forester had told his successor: "You don't cut those oaks; those are for when
the beetles get into the beams in the Main Hall."
*Kirby Olson*: You're famous for your Art Strike, in which you refused to make art for three years. How did that come about?
*Stewart Home*: In 1982, I had no training and no discernible
talent. I gave myself a limited amount of time to become a successful
artist. A failure, I gave a talk in 1989 announcing a three-year
period of cessation of artistic activities. I watched Kung Fu movies
and wrote letters to friends instead. Everybody took notice of
me. After three years of rest and relaxation, I was invited to talk at
the Victoria and Albert Museum about the strike. This hiatus was very
productive. All that time my reputation grew, and I didn't have to do
anything.
Sighting #1: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."
Sighting #2: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, then she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"
Sighting #3: At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.
Sighting #4: I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.
Sighting #5: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile
dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been
accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found
a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I
watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle
and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's
open!" "I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side."
"Is there too much democracy in America today? We're putting the question to you, our listeners."
Jim Propp
Department of Mathematics
MIT
"Some time ago I received a call from a colleague. He was about to give a student a zero for his answer to a physics question, while the student claimed a perfect score. The instructor and the student agreed to an impartial arbiter, and I was selected.
I read the examination question: "Show how it is possible to determine the height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer."
The student had answered: "Take the barometer to the top of the building, attach a long rope to it, lower it to the street, and then bring it up, measuring the length of the rope. The length of the rope is the height of the building."
The student really had a strong case for full credit since he had really answered the question completely and correctly! On the other hand, if full credit were given, it could well contribute to a high grade in his physics course and certify competence in physics, but the answer did not confirm this.
I suggested that the student have another try. I gave the student six minutes to answer the question with the warning that the answer should show some knowledge of physics.
At the end of five minutes, he hadn't written anything. I asked if he wished to give up, but he said he had many answers to this problem; he was just thinking of the best one.
I excused myself for interrupting him and asked him to please go on. In the next minute, he dashed off his answer, which read: "Take the barometer to the top of the building and lean over the edge of the roof. Drop the barometer, timing its fall with a stopwatch. Then, using the formula x=0.5*a*t^2, calculate the height of the building."
At this point, I asked my colleague if he would give up. He conceded, and gave the student almost full credit.
While leaving my colleague's office, I recalled that the student had said that he had other answers to the problem, so I asked him what they were.
"Well," said the student, "there are many ways of getting the height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer.
For example, you could take the barometer out on a sunny day and measure the height of the barometer, the length of its shadow, and the length of the shadow of the building, and by the use of simple proportion, determine the height of the building."
"Fine," I said, "and others?"
"Yes," said the student, "there is a very basic measurement method you will like. In this method, you take the barometer and begin to walk up the stairs. As you climb the stairs, you mark off the length of the barometer along the wall. You then count the number of marks, and this will give you the height of the building in barometer units. A very direct method."
"Of course. If you want a more sophisticated method, you can tie the barometer to the end of a string, swing it as a pendulum, and determine the value of g [gravity] at the street level and at the top of the building. From the difference between the two values of g, the height of the building, in principle, can be calculated."
"On this same tack, you could take the barometer to the top of the building, attach a long rope to it, lower it to just above the street, and then swing it as a pendulum. You could then calculate the height of the building by the period of the precession".
"Finally," he concluded, "there are many other ways of solving the problem. Probably the best," he said, "is to take the barometer to the basement and knock on the superintendent's door. When the superintendent answers, you speak to him as follows: 'Mr. Superintendent, here is a fine barometer. If you will tell me the height of the building, I will give you this barometer.'"
At this point, I asked the student if he really did not know the
conventional
answer to this question. He admitted that he did, but said that
he was fed up
with high school and college instructors trying to teach him how
to think."
The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night.
They said OK. After my next trip several weeks later, the wife and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.
As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running, shouting,
"Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!" As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's
the good news?" "Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" The
airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex,
then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they
could figure out exactly who his Mom was.
Question: If you could live forever, would you and
why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should
not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we
would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not
live forever."
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving
kids all over the world, I
can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny
like that, but not with all
those flies and death and stuff,"
--Mariah Carey
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to
comply with the law."
--David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering
accusations that he failed
to pay his taxes.
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very
important part of your
life."
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
spokesperson for a federal
antismoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part
of my body."
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball
forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the
lowest crime rates in
the country."
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
--Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas
Mavericks.
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through
our papers. We are the
president."
--Hillary Clinton, commenting on the release of
subpoenaed documents.
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to
death by a jackass, and I'm
just the one to do it."
--A congressional candidate in Texas.
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great
country away from them.
There were great numbers of people who needed new
land, and the Indians
were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
--John Wayne
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment.
It's the impurities in
our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President
"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and
butter will be cut
right out from under your feet."
--Former British foreign minister, Ernest Bevin.
"I love California. I practically grew up in
Phoenix."
--Dan Quayle
"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds
could go one way or another"
--George Bush, US President
"I have opinions of my own strong opinions but I
don't always agree with them."
--George Bush, US President
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much
clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
"I was provided with additional input that was
radically different from the
truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
--Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra
testimony.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply
exclude certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, President
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or
may not occur."
--Al Gore, VP
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come
from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
"The loss of life will be irreplaceable."
--Dan Quayle
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March
1992 because we received
notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You
may reapply if there is
a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South
Carolina
"We apologize for the error in last week's paper in
which we stated that Mr.
Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force.
We meant, of course,
that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police
farce."
--Correction Notice in the Ely Standard, a British
> newspaper
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this
jack in at night as they go
to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout
the night. And the next
morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a
record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: " So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! that's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how, ....we will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers"
GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?"
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
A report has revealed that two traffic patrol officers from North Berwick were involved in an unusual incident whilst checking for speeding motorists on the A1 road between Oldhamstocks and Grantshouse.
Last May, they were using a hand-held radar device to trap unwary motorists on the Edinburgh to London trunk road. One of the unnamed officers used the device to check the speed of an approaching vehicle, and was surprised to find that his target had registered a speed in excess of 300 miles per hour.
The $5000 machine then seized up and could not be re-set by the bemused PCs.
The radar had in fact latched on to a NATO Tornado aircraft in the North Sea, which was taking part in a simulated low-flying exercise over the Borders and Southern Scotland.
Following a complaint by Sir William Sutherland, Chief Constable of the Lothian & Borders Police force to the RAF liaison office, it was revealed that the officers had a lucky escape - the tactical computer on board the aircraft not only detected and jammed the "hostile" radar equipment, but had automatically armed a Sidewinder air-to-ground missile ready to neutralise the perceived threat.
Luckily the Dutch pilot was alerted to the missile status and was able to override the automatic protection system before the missile launched.
The Police have so far declined to comment, although it is understood
that officers will be advised to point their radar guns inland in
future.
Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill.
So, out of the back of the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that if they place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Grand Cherokee), because they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast.
They decide to light this 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite. (Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer, the guns and the dog?)
Yes, the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for retrieving. Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming.
One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 duck shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two Nobel Prize winners have gone insane.
The dog takes off to find cover ... under the brand new Cherokee.
Dog and Cherokee are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered.
He had yet to make the first of those $400+ a month payments.
State Minister Yuksel Yalova intervened to stop a second ram having its throat cut at the entrance to the hospital in the western port city of Izmir Monday, local newspapers said.
"On a day like this, especially at the opening of an animal hospital,
scenes like that were really not appropriate," Yalova was quoted as
saying.
Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers on the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first." And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skins say, "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl." Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."
Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm Going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time." (1981)
Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating." (1986)
Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker. "(1991)
Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote:
"I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot." (1996)
To emphasize his point, Sir Osler announced: "This bottle contains a sample for analysis. It's often possible by tasting it to determine the disease from which the patient suffers."
He then dipped a finger into the fluid and brought it into his mouth. He continued speaking: "Now I am going to pass the bottle around. Each of you please do exactly as I did. Perhaps we can learn the importance of this technique and diagnose the case."
The bottle made it's way from row to row, each student gingerly poking his finger in and bravely sampling the contents with a frown.
Dr Osler then retrieved the bottle and startled his students
by saying: "Gentlemen, now you will understand what I mean
when I speak about details. Had you been observant, you would
have seen that I put my INDEX FINGER in the bottle but my
MIDDLE FINGER into my mouth!"
From the Churchdown Parish Magazine:
'Would the Congregation please note that the
bowl at the back of the Church labeled "For The Sick",
is for monetary donations only.'
From The Guardian concerning a sign seen in
a Police canteen in Christchurch, New Zealand:
'Will the person who took a slice of cake from
the Commissioner's Office return it immediately.
It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case.'
From The Times:
'A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a
set of inflatable teeth, was rescued by a man on
an inflatable lobster. A coast-guard spokesman
commented, "This sort of thing is all too
common these days."
From The Gloucester Citizen:
'A sex line caller complained to Trading
Standards. After dialing an 0891 number from an
advertisement entitled "Hear Me Moan" the caller was
played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for
failing to do jobs around the house. Consumer Watchdogs
in Dorset refused to look into the complaint, saying,
"He got what he deserved."
From The Daily Telegraph in a piece headed
"Brussels Pays 200,000 Pounds to Save Prostitutes":
"... the money will not be going directly into
the prostitutes' pocket, but will be used to encourage
them to lead a better life. We will be training them
for new positions in hotels."
You might have to say this to yourself once or twice, depending on how familiar you are with the British way of speaking:
My favourite blooper is the weatherman on the BBC commenting on the map after a few letters had fallen off..."Where's the "f" in Fog".
The classic blooper is the announcement: "This is the British Broadcorping Castration" ........
The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?" The operator
replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then
she just fainted!"
PETER MARSHALL'S LIST OF FAVORITE ANSWERS FROM "HOLLYWOOD SQUARES":
1. According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margaret would like to start
having babies soon, but her husband wants her to wait awhile. Why?
PAUL LYNDE: He's out of town.
2. Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen? CHARLEY WEAVER: Dennis Weaver -- that's why they asked the question.
3. What are "dual-purpose cattle" good for that other cattle aren't?
PAUL LYNDE: They give milk... and cookies, but I don't recommend the
cookies.
4. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
elephant?
PAUL LYNDE: Who told you about my elephant?
5. James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years
old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did." What was it?
MARTY ALLEN: Rhonda Fleming.
6. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has
actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
CHARLEY WEAVER: His feet.
7. Before a cow will give you any milk, she has to have something very
important. What?
PAUL LYNDE: An engagement ring.
8. According to Robert Mitchum, one thing has ruined more actors than
drinking. What?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Not drinking.
9. When the Lone Ranger finished with a case, he left something behind.
What?
PAUL LYNDE: A masked baby.
10. True or false: Some African Watusi tribesmen greet guests by running
toward them at full speed, then high-jumping over them.
CHARLEY WEAVER: This is sometimes terribly embarrassing to tall guests.
11. You're on your first visit to Japan, and you head right for the Kabuki.
Why?
PAUL LYNDE: It was a long plane ride.
12. If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how
high?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
13. Do female frogs croak?
PAUL LYNDE: If you hold their little heads under water.
14. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a
woman?
DON KNOTTS: That's what's been keeping me awake.
15. True or false: Many people sleep better in their street clothes than
they do in their pajamas.
PAUL LYNDE: Yes. We call them winos.
16. According to the World Book, is it okay to freeze your persimmons?
PAUL LYNDE: No. You should dress warmly.
17. According to psychologists, when a child begins to get curious about
sex, what is the one question he will most likely ask his mommy and daddy?
PAUL LYNDE: Where can I get some?
The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been cancelled. He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it.
The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out. The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.
Finally giving in, he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all.
A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash.
The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt.
The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her
birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.
---------------------------- 1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer ---------------------------- AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED. ----------------------------- SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS. ------------------------------- FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART DOG ------------------------------ 2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15 ------------------------------ TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT'S OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800 ------------------------------- COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE. -------------------------------- 83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000 --------------------------------- STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15 --------------------------------- FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG ----------------------------------- FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG. ---------------------------------- SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE 89 cents ----------------------------------- GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE. ----------------------------------- FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL. ----------------------------------- FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME. ---------------------------------- FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50 ----------------------------------- NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED CALL CHUBBIE ------------------------------------- BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS" -------------------------------------- SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS -------------------------------------- FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE REWARD. --------------------------------------- HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!" ---------------------------------------- GET A LITTLE JOHN: THE TRAVELING URINAL HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER. ----------------------------------------- HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB ----------------------------------------- GEORGIA PEACHES - CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb. ------------------------------------------ NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE SLIGHTLY STAINED ------------------------------------------- FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT. ------------------------------------------ AMERICAN FLAG 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED $100 ------------------------------------------- TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR. --------------------------------------------- NOTICE: TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE: PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD. ------------------------------------------------ EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS -$175. ------------------------------------------------- OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER. ------------------------------------------------- JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300. ------------------------------------------------ LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY. ------------------------------------------------ ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER -------------------------------------------- GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb. ------------------------------ GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL. ---------------------------------- BAR S SLICED BALOGNA REGULAR OR TASTY SAVE 30 CENTS ON 2 ---------------------------------- OPEN HOUSE BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON FREE COFFEE & DONUTS -------------------------------------- KELLOGG'S POT TARTS - $1.99 box ----------------------------------------------- FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb.
Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hannifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me - I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled, "You're a jackass" and hung up.
Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and the I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It would always cheer me up. Later in the year the Phone Company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me; I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name.
"Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!" The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.
The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space!
I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy! I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a jackass, there sure are a lot of jackasses in this world.
I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park. A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're a jackass" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.
After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?" "Yes, it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house the car's parked right out front." I said, "What's your name?" "My name is Don Hansen." "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home in the evenings." "Listen Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes." "Don, you're a jackass" And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution.
First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1.
A man answered nicely saying, "Hello." I yelled "You're a jackass" but I didn't hang up. The jackass said, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah." He said, "Stop calling me." I said, "No." He said, "What's your name, Pal?" I said, "Don Hansen." He said, "Where do you live?" "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front." "I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers." "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass" and I hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2.
He answered, "Hello." I said, "Hello, Jackass" He said, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" "I'll kick your butt." "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, Jackass" And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home.
Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street.
After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.
Glorious!
If you want to watch two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other
in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter, I taped it off the
evening news.
JUST PLAIN BAD LUCK
A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a
river near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window,
climb out and swim to shore -- where a tree blew over and killed
him.
ALWAYS LOOK BOTH WAYS
Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the
dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on
passed under a low-level bridge -- killing him.
TAKE NOVOCAINE
Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so
afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to
cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused
Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured
skull.
NEVER RETURN TO THE SCENE
George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly
escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one
wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene
to search for files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him,
killing him.
POOR SUCKER
Depressed since he could not find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla
sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun in his hand
threatening to kill himself in 1981. His wife pleaded for him not
to do it, and after about an hour he burst into tears and threw the
gun to the floor. It went off and killed his wife.
CHECK THE PULSE FIRST
In 1983, Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y., was laid out in her
coffin, presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched, she
suddenly sat up. Her daughter dropped dead of fright.
FRAUD DOESN'T PAY
A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but lay
back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend
he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car rolled
forward and crushed him to death.
On a hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial bath bar: Directions: Use like regular soap.
On a frozen dinner package: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
On a hotel-provided shower cap box: Fits one head.
On Tesco's Tirimisu dessert: Do not turn upside down (Printed on the bottom of the box)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging from a Rowenta Iron. Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boot's children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.
On a bottle of Nytol (a sleeping aid): Warning: May cause drowsiness.
On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: Keep out of children.
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.
On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: Contains nuts.
On an American Airlines package of nuts: Instructions: Open package, eat nuts.
On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
On a package of Sunmaid raisins:
Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?
The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service."Dear Sirs:
While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you, it was horrible."
On a recent weekend in Atlantic City. A woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slot for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she would stash the quarters in her room. "I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and she carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator nk.
As she was about to walk into an elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was big. Very big. An intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen, even if one of them is awfully black. But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two men.
She felt anxious, flustered, ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind but knew they surely did; her hesitation about joining them on e elevator was all too obvious. Her face burned. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator.
Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then another. The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. My God, she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed!
Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore. Then one of the men said," Hit the floor." Instinct told her: Do what they tell you. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator carpet. A shower of coins rained down on her.
Take my money and spare me, she prayed. More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just ...
The one who said it had a little trouble getting words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. She lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet. "When I told my man here to hit the floor," one of the men said, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to". He bit his lip.It was obvious he was having a hardtime not laughing. She thought: My God,what a spectacle I've made of myself. She was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her.
How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were robbing you? She didn't know.
The 3 of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them laughing while they walked back to the elevator bank.
The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went
downstairs for dinner with her husband. The next morning flowers were
delivered to her room - a dozen roses. Attached to each rose was a
crisp one dollar bill. A card said: Thanks for the best laugh we've
had in years". It was signed, Eddie Murphy and Bodyguard."
Miller Brewing Company Milwaukee, Wisconsin 53201Dear Sir or Madam,
I have been a drinker of Miller beers for many years (actually, ever since that other company donated a big chunk of change to Hand-gun Control back in the mid 80's). Initially, my beer of choice was Lite, but some time in mid-1990 while in Honduras I switched to MGD smuggled up from Panama.
Now, for nearly six years, I have been a faithful drinker of MGD. For these past years, I have come to expect certain things from Genuine Draft. I expect that whenever I see that gold can of MGD, I am about ready to enjoy a great, smooth brew. But wait! Sometime around the first of the year, my beloved MGD changed colors, so to speak. That familiar gold can was no longer gold!
Knowing that I am, by nature, somewhat resistant to change, I forced myself to reserve judgment on the new can design. Gradually, I grew to appreciate the new label. That was until about May of this year. That was when I discovered (empirically) that I really didn't like the new design.
Further investigation of the cause of my distress resulted in the following observations: 1. Your cans are made of aluminum.
2. Aluminum is a great conductor of energy.
3. Your beer is commonly consumed outside, and thus, the container may be exposed to sunlight.
4. Sunlight striking the can causes radiant warming of the surface of the can.
5. The resultant heat (energy) is transferred through the aluminum, by conduction, to the contents of the can (the beer).
6. Warm beer sucks.This is a process that can be observed in just about any beer. However, this process is significantly accelerated in MGD because you painted the damn can. . . black!!!
Who was the rocket scientist that designed the new graphic for the can and implemented the change right before summer? Granted, this process may not be real evident up there in Wisconsin, but down here in Oklahoma where the summers are both sunny and hot, this effect is quite a problem. There's no telling what the folks in Texas and Arizona are having to put up with.
Knowing that you would probably not address this issue unless you had firm evidence of a problem, I and several other subjects conducted extensive experimentation. The results of these experiments are listed below.
The experiments were conducted over two days on the deck next to my pool. The study included seven different types of beer (leftovers from a party the previous weekend that were initially chilled to 38 deg F and then left exposed to sunlight for different lengths of time).
These beers were sampled by the test subjects at different intervals. The subjects, all normally MGD drinkers, were asked at each sampling interval their impressions of the different beers.
The length of time between the initial exposure to sunlight and the point where the subject determined the sample undrinkable (the Suck-point) was determined. The average ambient temperature for the trials was 95 degrees F.
Beer Type_____ Average Suck-point (minutes) ------------------------------------------------------------------- Miller Lite (white can)___________ 6.2 Bud (white can)______________ 5.5 Bud Lite (silver can)_____________ 5.2 Ice House (blue and silver can)_________ 4.4 Coors Lite (silver can)___________ 2.1 Miller Genuine Draft (black can)________ 2.8 Coors (gold can)_____________ 0.1It was evident that the color of the can directly correlates to the average suck point, except for Coors which was pretty much determined to suck at any point.
It is to be hoped that you will consider re-designing your MGD cans. All beer drinkers that are not smart enough to keep their beer in the shade will thank you.
Sincerely,
Bradley Lee
Beer-drinker
The Miller response appears below. They have had a lot of fun with this guy's letter.
Dear Bradley Lee,Thank you for your letter and your concern about the MGD can color as it relates to premature warming of the contents. Like you, we at Miller Beer take beer drinking very seriously. To that end, we have taken your letter and subsequent experiment under serious consideration. Outlined below are our findings and solution to your problem. May we add that we have had similar letters from other loyal beer drinkers, mostly from the Southern United States.
First, let us congratulate you on your findings. Our analysis tends to agree with yours regarding Coors. It certainly does suck at about any temperature. Now, it was our intentions when redesigning the MGD can to create better brand identity and brand loyalty. Someone in marketing did some kind of research and determined we needed to redesign the can.
You will be pleased to know, we have fired that idiot and he is now reeking havoc at a pro-gun control beer manufacturer. The design staff working in cahoots with the marketing idiot was also down-sized. However, once we realized this mistake, to undo it would have been even a bigger mistake. So, we took some other actions. From our market research, we found a difference between Northern beer drinkers and Southern beer drinkers.
Beer drinkers in the South tend to drink slower than beer drinkers in the North. We are still researching why that is. Anyway, at Miller Beer, it was never our intentions to have someone take more than 2.5 minutes to enjoy one of our beers. We pride ourselves in creating fine, smooth, quick drinking beers and leave the making of sissy, slow sipping beers to that Sam guy in Boston. However, it is good to know that you feel our Miller Lite can last as long as 6 minutes. However, may we suggest in the future you try consuming at least two in that time frame.
>From your letter, we had our design staff work 'round the clock to come up with a solution that would help not just MGD but all our fine Miller products. We hope you have recently noticed our solution to your problem. We found that the hole in the top of the can was not big enough for quick consumption. So, we have now introduced the new "Wide Mouth" cans. We hope this will solve all your problems.
Might I also suggest that if you want to get the beer out of the can even faster, you can poke a hole on the side near the bottom, hold your finger over it, open the can, tip it to your mouth and then pull your finger off the hole. This is a common way to drink beer at parties and impress your friends. This technique is known as "shot-gunning". You should like the name. Again, thank you for your letter and bringing to our attention that there might be other beer drinkers taking more that 2.5 minutes to drink our beers. Let me assure you that I am having our advertising department work on a campaign to solve this problem, too.
Sincerely,
Tom B. Miller
Public Relations
Miller Brewing Co.
"The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity during this long period of increment weather."
"I promise you a police car on every sidewalk."
"If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low crime rate."
"First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. And second, what can I say? I'm a night owl."
"Bitch set me up."
"I am clearly more popular than Reagan. I am in my third term. Where's Reagan? Gone after two! Defeated by George Bush and Michael Dukakis no less."
"The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist."
"I am making this trip to Africa because Washington is an international city, just like Tokyo, Nigeria or Israel. As mayor, I am an international symbol. Can you deny that to Africa?"
"People have criticized me because my security detail is larger than the president's. But you must ask yourself: are there more people who want to kill me than who want to kill the president? I can assure you there are."
"The brave men who died in Vietnam, more than 100% of which were black, were the ultimate sacrifice."
"I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed the slaves. The Republicans are the ones who created slavery by law in the 1600's. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves and he was not a Republican."
"What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?"
"People blame me because these water mains break, but I ask you, if the water mains didn't break, would it be my responsibility to fix them then? WOULD IT!?!"
"I am a great mayor; I am an upstanding Christian man; I am an
intelligent man; I am a deeply educated man; I am a humble man."
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. A shame as he had merely been listening to his walkman.
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough
postage on aletter bomb. It came back with "return to sender"
stamped on it. You guessed it, he opened it and said a fond farewell to
his face.
Dear Abby, I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby, I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby, My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby, Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally did it.
Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.
Dear Abby, Then you told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he is a doctor.
Dear Abby, My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month.
I'd like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think
he'd like? Carol
Dear Carol, Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie.
Dear Abby, Our son was married in January. Five months later his
wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell
me, can a baby this big be that early? Wondering
Dear Wondering, The baby was on time, the wedding was late.
Forget it.
Dear Abby, I know boys will be boys, but my 'boy' is seventy-three
and he's still chasing women. Any suggestions? Annie
Dear Annie, Don't worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years,
but if he ever caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it.
Dear Abby, I have always wanted to have my family history traced,
but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?
Sam
Dear Sam, Yes. Run for public office.
Dear Abby, What inspires you most to write? Ted
Dear Ted, The Bureau of Internal Revenue.
Dear Abby, I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man
my age with no
bad habits. Rose
Dear Rose, So would I.
Dear Abby, What's the difference between a wife and a mistress?
Bess
Dear Bess, Night and day.
The receptionist was particularly hard hit as people were handing her stuff all day. An enterprising engineer decided to connect a wire with clips on each end from his sock to his shoe to ground the static. He was so proud of himself that he went to the receptionist and proclaimed he had fixed the static problem.
He then proceeded to walk in circles dragging
his feet to prove that it worked. He reached
his hand toward her to complete the
demonstration. A big blue spark flew from
his hand to her closest body part (her left
breast) and she screamed like a wounded
wolverine. It seems the clip had fallen off
his sock.
I told her that she better bring her daughter
in to the ER right away.
My dog and I are alot alike. We're both 35, but look and act younger. We're both fit and trim, have dark hair and eyes, we're handsome, funny, intelligent and like all foods. I don't hump my pillow. -Bay Area Express
Do you like claustrophobic spaces? Anti-social young woman seeks someone who hates the light of day. Smokers and drug takers preferred. No vegetarians. I'm mean, nasty and give as good as I get. Any takers? -Guardian
Recovering Catholic, WM, 42, with the guilt of a breast fixation, seeks understanding woman for romantic relationship. -Sf Weekly
Major Hooters Major Bill Hooters, at your service, Ma'am. WM, 47, humorous, liberal, lively, affectionate, seeks busty lady with similar qualities, 35-45, 5'7"-plus, wright in proportion to height. -Guardian
Are you an attractive woman with shapely legs, nice figure and a pretty face? Here's a man who will treat you well regardless of your personality. -Detroit Metro Times
SBM is looking for a woman who likes to let her toenails grow. Marriage is desired. -Detroit Metro Times
If you're short/tall, petite/large, young/elderly, blonde/red
head/brunette, I'm your man.
-Detroit Metro Times
MADE FOR TV Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights for Western movies, got a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband shot. She was sentenced to four years in jail.
DO YOU ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS? A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a two-year prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a forged check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more years.
YOU MEAN ME? A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
DEADHEADS A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judged ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify.
THIS WOULD BE ME The judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon Crook. The bailiff opened the door to the holding cell and called, "Crook, come forward." Five of the prisoners entered the courtroom.
LEARN YOUR LESSON When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."
AHH, THAT'S BETTER!
A judge in Louisville decided a jury went "a little bit too
far" in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who
was convicted of five robberies and a kidnapping. The judge
reduced the sentence to 1,001 years.
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition.
She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.
When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was:
When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments remove Swelling". I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William Stick Did The Trick".
Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident."
He won the case.
See also "Modern Airfield Planning and Concealment", Major M.E. DeLonge (Pitman, 1943), page 135.Another enemy decoy, built in occupied Holland, led to a tale that has been told and retold ever since by veteran Allied pilots. The German "airfield", constructed with meticulous care, was made almost entirely of wood.
There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun emplacements, trucks, and aircraft.
The Germans took so long in building their wooden decoy that Allied photo experts had more than enough time to observe and report it.
The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to the last wooden plank. And early the following morning, a lone RAF plane crossed the Channel, came in low, circled the field once, and dropped a large wooden bomb.
They remained in prison for several weeks, until the Russian
Air Force reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the crew of one
of its cargo planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering at the edge of
a Siberian airfield, forced the cow into the plane's hold and hastily
taken off for home. Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian crew was
ill-equipped to manage a frightened cow rampaging within the hold. To
save the aircraft and themselves, they shoved the animal out of the
cargo hold as they crossed the Sea of Japan at an altitude of 30,000
feet.
1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies in House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out
10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
30. War Dims Hope for Peace
31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
35. Deer Kill 17,000
36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
50. Air Head Fired
51. Steals Clock, Faces Time
52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
53. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
55. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
56. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
58. Include your Children when Baking Cookies
At least until the Mattel people find out.
The alternative dolls are retooled and decidedly unauthorized versions of the Mattel dolls. At In-jean-ious, on Castro Street, shoppers can even pay a premium to specify the precise number and location of body piercings.
"These Barbies are wildly popular -- we've sold 50 this month," said store owner Bill Tull. "And Trailer Trash Barbie is on back order with a waiting list."
The anti-Barbie dolls tap into a segment that loves nothing more than to loathe the wildly popular toy, enthusiasts say.
"I'm in good company -- lots of people have this obsession with torturing Barbie," said Sue Wandell, who as a child idolized Barbie but now collects Anti-Barbies and relishes creating her own.
Trailer Trash Barbie is as plastic and anatomically impossible as the real thing, but the similarities end there. A cigarette dangles from her lips, her platinum hair shows black roots, she has a baby slung over her hip and a quote bubble that says, "My Daddy Swears I'm the Best Kisser in the County!"
There's also Big Dyke Barbie, sporting a pierced nose and a quote bubble that says, "Want to shoot some pool?" Carrie Barbie is decked out in a blood-drenched prom dress. Hooker Barbie is replete with negligee and condom.
Then there's Drag Queen Barbie -- actually a refurbished Ken doll, resplendent in evening gown and wig.
As for Tull, he advised customers to act quickly because "I'm not sure Mattel would share our sense of humor."
At the El Segundo headquarters of Mattel, which makes the 100-plus mainstream Barbies that sell worldwide at a rate of two per second, executives say they do have a sense of humor -- up to a point.
"The reality is that Barbie has become a cultural icon and she has been adapted to all different aspects of society," said Sean Fitzgerald, Mattel vice president for corporate communications. "We're a very diverse society -- Barbie respects that."
He said Mattel doesn't object to people re-dressing or re-accessorizing mainstream Barbies.
"But if somebody's marketing repackaged Barbies, selling them as a
'Barbie,' that's trademark infringement," he said. "Our lawyers will
ask them to please stop using the Barbie name."
If you toss a penny 10,000 times, it will not be heads 5,000 times, but more like 4,950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom.
The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
The housefly hums in the middle octave, key of F.
The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. The only other word with the same amount of letters is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses, its plural.
Hydroxydesoxycorticosterone and hydroxydeoxycorticosterones are the largest anagrams.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.
The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
Wilma Flintstone's maiden name was Wilma Slaghoopal, and Betty Rubble's Maiden name was Betty Jean Mcbricker.
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
If NASA sent birds into space they would soon die; they need gravity to swallow.
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up it's stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of it's mouth. Then the frog uses it's forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.
Armored knights raised their visors to identify themselves when they rode past their king. This custom has become the modern military salute.
Sylvia Miles had the shortest performance ever nominated for an Oscar with "Midnight Cowboy." Her entire role lasted only six minutes.
Charles Lindbergh took only four sandwiches with him on his famous transatlantic flight.
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
Gilligan of Gilligan's Island had a first name that was only used once, on the never-aired pilot show. His first name was Willy. The skipper's real name on Gilligan's Island is Jonas Grumby. It was mentioned once in the first episode on their radio's newscast about the wreck.
In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
Playing cards were issued to British pilots in WWII. If captured, they could be soaked in water and unfolded to reveal a map for escape.
The "L.L." in L.L. Bean stands for Leon Leonwood.
Ivory bar soap floating was a mistake. They had been overmixing the soap formula causing excess air bubbles that made it float. Customers wrote and told how much they loved that it floated, and it has floated ever since.
Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax, and correct itself.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.
The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present and don't die throughout the entire movie.
'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
Armadillos have four babies at a time and they are always all the same sex.
Armadillos are the only animal besides humans that can get leprosy.
To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs -- it will let you go instantly.
Reindeer like to eat bananas.
A group of unicorns is called a blessing. Twelve or more cows are known as a "flink." A group of frogs is called an army. A group of rhinos is called a crash. A group of kangaroos is called a mob. A group of whales is called a pod. A group of geese is called a gaggle. A group of ravens is called a murder. A group of officers is called a mess. A group of larks is called an exaltation. A group of owls is called a parliament.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
The phrase "sleep tight" derives from the fact that early mattresses
were filled with straw and held up with rope stretched across the
bedframe. A tight sleep was a comfortable sleep.
Cecile Porc drove for eight miles with a cyclist spread-eagled across her windscreen, refusing to stop because she thought he was a mugger. Madame Porc, 83, hit the man at a crossroads near Valence [France], catapulting him onto the bonnet where he clung for dear life. As she accelerated to 70 miles an hour, she was shouting "Murderer, Murderer" said the victim. He hammered on the windscreen and screamed "I'm a cyclist" but she just turned on the windscreen wipers. She was eventually stopped by a police roadblock but remained unrepentant. "My only regret," she later declared, "is that I didn't drive into a wall and squash him like a truffle."
Minnesota Department of Natural Resources officials say Lake and
Koochiching counties missed the Wednesday state-imposed deadline for
removing the word "squaw" from names of geographic features. Lake
County proposed renaming Squaw Creek and Squaw Bay to "Politically
Correct Creek" and "Politically Correct Bay." State officials said
no.
-- Mariah Carey, on World Entertainment News Network
Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link
Cornell Daily Sun, December 7, 1995
Whatever Their motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock Us
Holland Sentinal, date unknown.
Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut
The New York Times, November 22
Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find
The Los Angeles Times, November 2
'Light' meals are lower in fat, calories
Huntington Herald-Dispatch, November 30
Alcohol ads promote drinking
The Hartford Courant, November 18
Malls try to attract shoppers
The Baltimore Sun, October 22
Official: Only rain will cure drought
The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts
Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men
The Sunday Oregonian, September 24
Low Wages Said Key to Poverty
Newsday, July 11
Man shoots neighbor with machete
The Miami Herald, July 3
Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes
The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia, March 30
Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows
The New York Times, March 10
Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies
The Los Angeles Times, March 2
Scientists see quakes in L.A. future
The Oregonian, January 28
Wachtler tells graduates that life in jail is demeaning
The Buffalo News, February 26
Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold
Lexington Herald-Leader, January 26
Prosecution paints O.J. as a wife-killer
Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel, January 25
Economist uses theory to explain economy
Collinsville Herald-Journal, February 8
Bible church's focus is the Bible
Saint Augustine Record, Florida, December 3, 1994
Clinton pledges restraint in use of nuclear weapons
Cedar Rapids Gazette, April 6
Discoveries: Older blacks have edge in longevity
The Chicago Tribune, March 5
Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear
Journal of Commerce, April 20
Biting nails can be sign of tenseness in a person
The Daily Gazette of Schenectady, New York, May 2
Lack of brains hinders research
The Columbus Dispatch, April 16
Chick Accuses Some of Her Male Colleagues of Sexism
Accusing some of her male colleagues of sexism, Los Angeles
Councilwoman Laura Chick lashed out at City Hall of Thursday as [sic]
the "most sexist good-old-boys work environment that I've ever been
in."...
The Los Angeles Times, June 23
Cement Supplies seen as adequate
The Bangkok Post, January 28
How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem, says author
Louise Hart
Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera, February 5
Fish lurk in streams
Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle, January 29
The resolution stated that ``this compassionate gentleman's dedication and devotion to his work has enabled the weak and the lonely throughout the nation to achieve and maintain a new degree of concern for their future. He has been officially recognized by the state of Massachusetts for his noted activities and unconventional techniques involving population control and applied psychology.'' The resolution was passed unanimously.
Representative Moore then revealed that he had only tabled the motion to
show how the legislature passes bills and resolutions often without
reading them or understanding what they say. Albert de Salvo was the
Boston Strangler.
An open letter to M. Jacques Chirac:Mon cher Jack
Je suis a bit fromaged off avec votre decision to blow up La Pacifique avec le Frog bombes nuclears. Je reckon vous must have un spot in La Belle France itself pour les explosions. Le Massive Central? Le Quay d'Orsay? Le Champs Elysees? Votre own back yard, peut etre?
Frappez le crows avec stones, Sport! La guerre cold est fini! Votres forces militaire need la bombe atomique about as beacoup as poisson need les bicyclettes.
Un autre point, cobber. Votre histoire militaire isn't tres flash, consisting, n'est-ce pas, of battailles the likes of Crecy, Agincourt, Poitiers, Trafalgar, Borodino, Waterloo, Sedan, et Dien Bien Phu. Un bombe won't change le tradition. Je/mon pere/ mon grand pere/le cousing third avec ma grandmere/la plume de ma tante fought avec votre soldats against Le Boche in WWI (le Big One). Have vous forgotten?
Reconsider, mon ami, otherwise in le hotels et estaminets de l'Australie le curse anciens d'Angleterre - "Damnation to the French" - will be heard un autre temps.
Votre chums don't want that.
Millo.