One-Liners

(And other short, "virtual one-liner" comments.)

This was a "signature line" (similar to a postscript) on a message on the Al Stewart mailing list:

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the work itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words--"mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."
- Henry Kissinger

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex -- no matter what she's reading."
- Steve Jobs

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
- Barbara Bush

"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - -the natural enemy of a tightrope walker."
- Dan Rather

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"
- Arnold Schwarzenegger

"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'"
- George Burns

"Honesty is the key to any relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Courtney Cox

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
- Tiger Woods

"Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an attractive scrotum!'"
- Patricia Arquette

"I read somewhere that 77 percent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."
- Jerry Garcia

"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master."
- Rev. Jesse Jackson

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
- Jack Nicholson

Hollywood Squares Quotes

These are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and not scripted like they are now.

Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least this high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes...

Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q: What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
A: George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?
A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter...and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!

Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!

Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A: Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q: According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!

Q: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy?
A: Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!

Q: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does that mean?
A: George Goebel: Cattle crossing.

Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body - what is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!

Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee.

Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q: Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie, "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?
A: Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver - that's why they asked the question.

Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for it's sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

Q: James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did." What was it?
A: Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.

Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q: Imagine you are a child in your mother's womb, can you detect light?
A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called "Poles", why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is it that people go to the top of tall buildings and put a quarter in a machine to look at the ground up close?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist,when a person who drives a racecar isn't called a racist?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

How does the "Do not walk on the Grass" sign get there?

Bumper Stickers:

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

Q: What do you call a butler with no teeth?
A: An in-dentured servant.

Q: What do you call a garbage man with no nose?
A: Lucky.

Q: What do you call a blonde with a map, compass, and set of directions?
A: Lost.

Q: What do you call a group of girls with no singing ability?
A: N'Sync.

(Some of the) Best T-shirts of 1999, from the Washington Post:

(Spotted on a passing motorcycle): If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off
Liberal Arts Major. Will Think for Food
Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law
Love May Be Blind, But Marriage Is a Real Eye Opener
If at First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't for You
Get a New Car for Your Spouse. It'll Be a Great Trade
Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.
Always remember you're unique... Just like everyone else.
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ...or something like that.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
If we are what we eat, I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't reelect them!

TOP BUMPER STICKERS SEEN AROUND THE WORLD

The Earth Is Full - Go Home

I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

Honk If Anything Falls Off

Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit

You! Out Of The Gene Pool!

I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To

It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now

I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere

If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over..[Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]

Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.

If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?

Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel

Boldly Going Nowhere

Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window

Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch

My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.

GROW YOUR OWN DOPE, PLANT A MAN.

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?

GEORGE CARLINISMS

How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?
Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Do pilots take crash courses?
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his walkman?
If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game,"when we are already there?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

How is it possible to have a civil war?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

On going to war over religion: You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend."
- Rich Jeni

BUMPER STICKERS WE'D JUST LOVE TO SEE ...

Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

Hang up and drive.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the Ark, Professionals built the Titanic.

Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
The early worm deserves the bird.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

The Best T-shirts of Summer 1999:

I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won.

So Many Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me

My Mother Is a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips

Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog

Coffee, Chocolate, Men . . . Some Things Are Just Better Rich

Growing Old Is Inevitable - Growing Up Is Optional

Don't Treat Me Any Differently Than You Would the Queen

If You Want Breakfast in Bed, Sleep in the Kitchen

First National Bank of Dad - Sorry, Closed

In Dog Years, I'm Dead

Dinner Is Ready When the Smoke Alarm Goes Off.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
-- Groucho Marx

Gettin' married is like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.
-- Minnie Pearl

In biblical times, men could have as many wives as he could afford. Just like today.
-- Abigail Van Buren

More Bumper Stickers

Save the trees ... Wipe your butt with an owl.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
Axe me about Ebonics
Cat: The other white meat
Don't be sexist - broads hate that!
If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now
WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull

STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

REST ROOM SIGNS

Friends don't let friends take home ugly men
-Women's restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
-Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
-Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

If you can pee this high, join the fire department.
- On the wall in the men's restroom at a height of 6 feet O'Ryan's IrishPub, Ashland, Oregon.

Beauty is only a light switch away.
- Perkins Library. Duke University. Durham, North Carolina.

I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
-Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge,Massachusetts.

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
-Armand's Pizza. Washington, DC

Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"
-Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia.

God made pot. Man made beer. Whom do you trust?
-The Irish Times. Washington, DC

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
-The Bayou, Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
-Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

To do is to be. -Descartes
To be is to do. -Voltaire
Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra
Do me do me do me - Linda Lovelace
-Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats. Scottsdale, Arizona.

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
-Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
-Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg,Arizona.

Make love, not war .- Hell, do both, get married!
-Women's restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.

God is dead. -Nietzsche
Nietzsche is dead. -God
-The Tombs Restaurant. Washington, DC

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
-Revolution Books. New York, New York.

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
-Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington,D.C.

Watch out for Gay Limbo Dancers
-Inside toilet stall door, Men's restroom,

Express Lane: Five beers or less
-Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's. Phoenix, AZ.

You're too good for him.
-Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevic's. Beverly Hills

No wonder you always go home alone.
-Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's. Beverly Hills,CA

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.

How does a spoiled rich girl change a light bulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A pachydermatologist

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

Where do you get virgin wool from?
Ugly sheep.

Yet More Bumper Stickers

It's never to late to have a happy childhood

Jesus died for your sins. Make it worth his while.

Jesus is coming - everyone look busy.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Horn broken, watch for finger.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply.

Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

I'm just driving this way to piss you off.

I love cats... they taste just like chicken.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Keep honking, I'm reloading.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Lord, save me from your followers.

Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Be nice to your kids. They'll be choosing your nursing home.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie'... till you can find a rock.

I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.

Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
"Dam".

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.

What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
National Dyslexics Association.

What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
--Jerry Seinfeld

"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me."
--Bobcat Goldthwait

"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"
--John Mendoza

"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman."
--Bruce Baum

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
--Sue Murphy

"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."
--Ellen DeGeneres

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
--Lily Tomlin

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery

Jesus saves, passes to Moses; shoots, SCORES!

Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!

Eschew obfuscation.

Ground Beef: A Cow With No Legs!

186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW.

A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.

A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Editing is a rewording activity.

Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy.

I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.

Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.

Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.

No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.

Boycott shampoo!!! Demand REAL poo.

"The scientific name for an animal that doesn't either run from or fight its enemies is lunch."
-- Michael Friedman

"Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?"

"I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers."

"No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
--Fran Lebowitz

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
-- Rita Rudner

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money."

Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
-- Ben Williams

"My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpets or ruin our lives."
– Rita Rudner

Clinton

We always knew that you could get AIDS from sex and now President Clinton has showed us you can get sex from aides.

They had a President's Day Sale at Macy's -- all men's pants were half off.

So: Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich and Bill Clinton went to Emerald City to see the Wizard of Oz. And Dan Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the wizard for a brain." And Newt Gingrich says, "I am going to ask him for a heart." And Clinton says, "I wonder where Dorothy is?"

"Dad! I just got a part in the school play! I play the husband."
"Too bad they didn't give you a speaking role. "

What do you call a musician who's broken up with his girlfriend?
Homeless

What's the difference between a musician and a fourteen-inch pizza?
A fourteen-inch pizza can feed a family of four.

"Did you hear about the invisible man who married the invisible woman?"
"Yeah, their kids aren't much to look at either. "

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."
- Ellen DeGeneris

I have a Border Collie/Dalmatian cross. She only chases sheep if they're riding on firetrucks.

"Stupidity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."

"I don't know. I would call it quantum mechanics."

Yet More Bumper Stickers

All generalizations are false.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.

Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.

Montana -- At least our cows are sane!

No radio - Already stolen.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.

According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

i souport publik edekashun.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?

C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.