I'm not sure why "Redneck" jokes are becoming more popular, except perhaps that everyone has a little bit of redneck hiding somewhere within. I toss in the "Yankee" category as it is closer to home.
General Advice to Rednecks
Never take a beer to a job interview.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold
it with your fingers
covering the label.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are.
If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.
A centerpiece for the table should never be
anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years a go."
If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they
can't hear you.
What's the theater?
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven
they can't hear you.
Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
It is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.
When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and
shoes for this special occasion.
Never take a beer to a job interview
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's
considered tacky to drive a U-Haul van to the funeral home.
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels, two by two
Destination-Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a huntin went
Met three whores in a pop up tent
They was three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu
Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you! Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flappin in the breeze. Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas. You move like the bass, which excite me in May. You ain't got no scales but I love you anyway! Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan. Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can. You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold ma haid high when we're seen in a crowd. On special occasions, when you shave under yo're arms, well I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yo're charms. Still them fellers at work, they all want to know, what I did to deserve such a purdy young doe. Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there for yo're man, to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can. Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead. You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed. Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt, you spark up my life more'n a fresh loada' dirt. When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack, my life is complete; ain't nuttin I lack. Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin' despite all the years yo're age it keeps hidin'. Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank, we go together like a skunk goes with stank. Some men they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day; They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way. Some men git roses on that special day from the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say. Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth "Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth. But for this man honey, these just won't do. Cause yo're too special, you sweet thang you. I got you a gift, without taste nor odor, more useful than diamonds... It's a new troll'n motor!
"Honey, we don't need another dog."
"I'll take Shakespeare for $1000, Alex."
"Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken."
"We don't keep firearms in the house."
"No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe."
"Wrasslin's fake."
"Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace."
"We're vegetarians."
"Do you think my gut is too big."
"No, I'll pass on the biscuits and gravy."
"Spittin is such a nasty habit."
"I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today."
"Trim the fat off that steak."
"The tires on that truck are too big."
"I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl."
"Checkmate."
"Those shorts outta be a little longer, darlin'"
"Nope, no more for me, I'm drivin'"
The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the Cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.
"Howdy, stranger..."
"Howdy, Sheriff..."
The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.
"Hold on, Mister..."
"Sheriff?"
"Did I just see what I think I just saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff...I got me some powerful chapped lips..."
"And that cures them?"
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em.
25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Good-bye.
24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her heart Was Pure.
23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.
21. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run So I Figure We Got An Even Deal.
20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You.
19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.
18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.
17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.
16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.
15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
14. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You.
13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.
12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now.
11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head).
10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You.
9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him.
8. Please Bypass This Heart.
7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.
6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat.
5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.
4. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles.
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer.
And the Number 1 Country and Western song of all Time is:
1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few.
A bit down the road the man from Idaho starts to pull potatoes from his bag and throws them out the window.
The man from Iowa turns to him and asks, "What the hell are you doing?" The man from Idaho says, "Man, we have so many of these darned things in Idaho they're laying around on the ground-- I'm sick of looking at them!"
A few miles down the road, the man from Iowa begins pulling husks of corn from his bag and throwing them out the window.
The man from Florida asks "What are you doing that for?" The man from Iowa replies, "Man, we have so many of these darned things in Iowa I'm sick of looking at them!"
Inspired by the others, the man from
Florida opens the car door and pushes the New Yorker out.
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 LB possum.
2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed
on blocks in your front yard?
A) 66 Ford Fairlane
B) 69 Chevrolet Chevelle
C) 64 Pontiac GTO
3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?
4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Pabst Blue Ribbons will be consumed in cutting the trees?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented it's charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?
8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain?
For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?
9. A Coal Mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?
10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs
shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside?
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
5. Do not buy food at the movie store.
6. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.
7. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
8. People walk slower here.
9. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
10. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
11. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
12. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
13. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
14. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
15. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
16. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
17. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.
18. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
19. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
20. In southern churches you will hear the hymn, "All Glory, Laud and Honor". You will also here expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy", "Good Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy".
21. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
22. If you hear music from your neighbor's house, join in on the chorus.
23. If you are a woman with a flat tire, don't worry - someone will be along shortly to change it for you. This is the South and we don't let our womenfolk change flat tires.
24. Yes, we do have garbage pickup twice a week here.
25. While you didn't realize it, the National Anthem does end with "Gentlemen Start Your Engines!"
26. However you did it in the North is of no concern to those of us in the South.
27. Flannel shirts can be considered formal wear in the wintertime.
28. Those nice white buildings on the street corners, across from the convenience stores, are called churches! Pick one and attend.
29. Learn to play softball.
30. Learn to eat watermelon. Seed spitting is optional but distance is a virtue.
31. You have 10 days to get your Alabama tape, Bear Bryant Cup and learn all of verses to "I'll Fly Away" after establishing residency. Get your drivers license when you get time to do it.
32. Learn to visit the Space and Rocket Center at least one time each year.
33. Appreciate leaving the house 30 minutes before concert time and being
seated 10 minutes before concert time.
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her
over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern...It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.
The Redneck scratched his head in bewilderment,
and asked the doctor,
"Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?
YOU'RE FROM MAINE if you can name all four seasons,
but
YOU'RE REALLY FROM MAINE if they are Tourist, Foliage, Ski and Mud.
YOU'RE FROM MAINE if you own flannel shirts,
but
YOU'RE REALLY FROM MAINE if you wear one with a tie.
YOU'RE FROM MAINE if you know the back roads, but
YOU'RE REALLY FROM MAINE if you drive them to avoid the toll booth.
YOU'RE FROM MAINE if you own a pickup truck,
but
YOU'RE REALLY FROM MAINE if the truck is 4-wheel drive, has a gun rack, a
plow on the front and a dog in the back.
YOU'RE FROM MAINE if you attend church suppers,
but
YOU'RE REALLY FROM MAINE if that's considered a night out on the town.
YOU'RE FROM MAINE if you live in a white cape,
but
YOU'RE REALLY FROM MAINE if there is a picket fence around the house, a
garden in the back, a woodpile somewhere, and some appliances on the front
lawn.
YOU'RE FROM MAINE if you say "Ames-es", but
YOU'RE REALLY FROM MAINE if you do all your shopping there.
YOU'RE FROM MAINE if you read the Union Leader,
but
YOU'RE REALLY FROM MAINE if you believe it.
YOU'RE FROM MAINE if you know everyone in town,
but
YOU'RE REALLY FROM MAINE if they're all related to you.
YOU'RE FROM MAINE if you go to the dump on Saturday,
but
YOU'RE REALLY FROM MAINE if you leave with more than what you brought.
Welcome to Maine. Now Go Home!
1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
2. You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!
3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
4. For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.
5. You don't know what a moon pie is.
6. You've never had grain alcohol.
7. You've never, ever, eaten okra.
8. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
9. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.
10. You have no idea what a polecat is.
11. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
12. You don't have bangs.
13. You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
14. More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.
15. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
16. Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
17. You don't think Howard Stern has an accent.
18. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.
19. You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
20. You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
21. The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp on the highway.
22. You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
23. The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman-Marcus.
24. You call binoculars opera glasses.
25. You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
26. You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.
27. You don't know what applique is.
28. You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean)
29. You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.
30. You've never been to a craft show.
31. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
32. You can't do your laundry without quarters.
33. None of your fur coats are homemade.
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.
You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.
You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
The problems only happened during the day. The fields were far away from the house and the young man lost half an hour each time traveling home and back again at noon. Finally he decided to consult a friend, the town's doctor, about what to do.
"Easiest thing in the world, Homer" said the doctor. "You take your rifle out with you every day don't you? Well, when you feel like you're in the mood for some lovin', just fire a shot into the air as a signal to your wife, for her to come out to you. That way you won't lose any workin' time."
Homer tried his friend's solution and it seemed to work pretty well for a while. One day though, the doctor stopped by the house to pay a visit and he noticed Homer sitting alone inside looking very somber.
"What's wrong?" he asked. "Didn't my idea work? And where's your wife?"
"Oh, it worked" says Homer. "Whenever I got in the mood I fired off a shot like you said, and Beckie'd come runnin'. Then we'd find a secluded place and make love. Then Beckie'd go back home."
"So what's the problem?"
"Well I think I overdid it, Doc. I ain't seen hide nor hair
of Beckie since hunting season got started..."
"I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex".
Duct tape won't fix that.
Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
Come to think of it I'll have a Heineken.
We don't keep firearms in this house.
Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?
You can't feed that to the dog.
I thought Graceland was tacky.
No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
Wrasslin's fake.
Do you think my hair is too big?
I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
Honey, these bonsai trees need watering?
Who's Richard Petty?
Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
Deer heads detract from the decor.
Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
The tires on that truck are too big.
I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
I've got it all on a floppy disk.
Unsweetened tea tastes better.
Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
My fianc'e, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
Checkmate.
She's too old to be wearing that bikini.
Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
I don't have a favorite college team.
Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
Elvis who?
He found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Can you change this for me, please?" he said.
The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then smiled and told the man, "Ah reckon so, Mister. Ya want 2 nines or 3 sixes?"