When he had finished, the priest said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."
A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice.
The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked.
"Absolutely," replied the businessman.
"You went to the beach?"
"Absolutely."
"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"
"Absolutely."
"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"
"Absolutely."
"And what were the first words you saw?"
"Chapter 11."
Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their Senior year in High School. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation became priests. Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio was just a cut above Timothy in all respects.
Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop, and finally Cardinal was meteoric to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be either Timothy or Antonio who would become the next Pope.
In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone expected white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see who they had chosen.
The world, Catholic, Protestant, and secular was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope.
Antonio was beyond surprise, he was devastated because, even with all Timothy's giftedness, Antonio knew he was the better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"
After long silence one old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered Antonio
and
rose to reply, "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just
could not
bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called
Pope Secola."
1. The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
2. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
3. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
4. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
5. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
6. A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
8. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
9. Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
10. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams.
11. Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
12. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
13. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
14. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
15. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
16. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.
17. The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
18. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
19. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
20. Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.
21. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
22. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
23. The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
24. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
25. The senior choir invites any
member of the congregation who enjoys
sinning to join the choir.
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if he could use the car. His father said, "Son, I'm really proud of you. You brought your grades up, studied the bible well, but you didn't get your hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and then replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they
went."
The accountant is perplexed. "I've tried to lead a good life, but I am overwhelmed by your welcome," he tells St. Peter.
"It's the least we can do for someone as special as you are. Imagine, living to the age of 160 and still looking so young," says St. Peter. The man looks even more dumbfounded and replies, "160? I don't know what you mean. I'm only 40."
St. Peter replies, "But that can't be right - we've seen your
time sheets!"
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to leave Italy. There was, of course, a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with a leader of the Jewish community. If the Jewish leader won the debate, the Jews would be permitted to stay in Italy. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave.
The Jewish community met and picked an aged Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. Rabbi Moishe, however, could not speak Latin and the Pope could not speak Yiddish. So it was decided that this would be a "silent" debate.
On the day of the great debate, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and said, "I concede the debate. This man has bested me. The Jews can stay."
Later, the Cardinals gathered around the Pope, asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community crowded around Rabbi Moishe, asking what happened. "Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me, 'You Jews have three days to get out of here.' So I said to him, 'Up yours'. Then he tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, 'Listen here Mr. Pope, the Jews ... we stay right here!"
"And then?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said Rabbi Moishe. "We broke for lunch."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the
minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many
had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and
said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with
my sermon on the sin of lying."
"The Council hereby grants permission for a weekly prayer call to be sung from the mosque of the World Islamic Mission in Oslo. The prayer call, or azan, will be allowed once every Friday, at midday, and the chant of 'God is Great' must last no longer than three minutes.
"The Council also notes that a demonstration by members of the Heathen Society was held in Oslo last Saturday, protesting against the possibility that the weekly prayer call might be allowed. Therefore, in the interests of balance, permission is hereby also granted for the Heathen Society to chant 'There is no God' outside the mosque at five minutes before midday each Friday. This chant must also last no longer than three minutes.
"By order, Old Town Council, Oslo." (Norway Post, 29/3/00. Spotter: Stedman)
Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the banker said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus died
between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of
highway in Nevada when he
notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.
It reads:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10
MILES.
He thinks it was just a figment of his
imagination and drives on
without a second thought. Soon, he sees
another sign which says:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5
MILES
and realizes that these signs are for real.
When he drives past a
third sign saying:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT
RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he
pulls into the drive. On the
far side of the parking lot is a somber stone
building with a small sign
next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF MERCY
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and soon quite disoriented. man, "Please knock on this door".
He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY
THE SISTERS OF MERCY.
The journalist wondered whether there was a publishable story here. He goes down to the wall, introduces himself and says: "You come every day to the wall. What are you praying for?"
The old man replies: "What am I praying for? In the morning I pray for world peace, then I pray for the brotherhood of man. I go home, have a glass of tea, and I come back to the wall to pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth."
The journalist is taken by the old man's sincerity and persistence. "You mean you have been coming to the wall to pray every day for these things?"
The old man nods.
"How long have you been coming to the wall to pray for these things?"
The old man becomes reflective and then replies: "How long? Maybe twenty, twenty-five years."
The amazed journalist finally asks: "How does it feel to come and pray every day for over 20 years for these things?"
"How does it feel?" the old man replies. "It feels like I'm
talking to a wall."
1. Christmas is one day, same day every year: December 25. Jews love December 25th. It's another paid day off work. We go to movies and out for Chinese food, and Israeli dancing. Chanukah is 8 days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. no one is ever sure. Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don't look like idiots. We all have the same calendar, provided free with a donation from either the World Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher, or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel (especially in Florida).
2. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat.
3. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos... Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks, or the collected works of the Rambam, which looks impressive on the bookshelf.
4. There is only one way to spell Christmas. No one can decide how to spell Chanukah, Chanukah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah, Hannukah.
5. Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and boyfriends. Their partners expect special gifts. Jewish men are relieved of that burden. No one expects a diamond ring on Chanukah.
6. Christmas brings enormous electric bills. Candles are used for Chanukah. Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we get to feel good about not contributing to the energy crisis.
8. Christmas carols are beautiful. Silent Night, Come O Ye Faithful.... Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or having a party and dancing the horah. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of the beautiful carols were composed and written by our tribal brethren. And don't Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully?
9. A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful. The sweet smell of cookies and cakes baking. Happy people are gathered around in festive moods. A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes, and onions. The home, as always, is full of loud people all talking at once.
10. Women have fun baking Christmas cookies. Women burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for latkas on Chanukah. Another reminder of our suffering through the ages.
11. Parents deliver to their children during Christmas. Jewish parents have no qualms about withholding a gift on any of the eight nights.
12. The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names such as Mary, Joseph, and Jesus. The players in the Chanukah story are Antiochus, Judah Maccabee, and Matta whatever. No one can spell it or pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our friends anything and they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history.
13. Many Christians believe in the virgin birth. Jews think, Joseph, bubela, snap out of it. Your woman is pregnant, you didn't sleep with her, and now you want to blame god. Here's the number of my shrink.
14. In recent years, Christmas has become more and more commercialized. The same holds true for Chanukah, even though it is a minor holiday. It makes sense. How could we market a major holiday such as Yom Kippur? Forget about celebrating. Think observing. Come to synagogue, starve yourself for 27 hours, become one with your dehydrated soul, beat your chest, confess your sins, a guaranteed good time for you and your family. Tickets a mere $200 per person.
Better stick with Chanukah.
Happy holidays to all.
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference. "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals".
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands".
Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your on hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
The sermon this morning: "Jesus walks on the water'. The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus'.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are afflicted with any church.
Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The
pastor will then speak on "It's a terrible experience".
Interviewer: It must be hard enough to be a thirteen year old boy America, not to mention a Tibetan lama. How do your friends and family treat your connection with the Dharma?
Pema Jones: It's kind of weird. I have two older brothers, and they tease me about it. They call me "shrimpouche". The kids at school don't know I'm a lama. I would never tell them.
I: Why not?
J: I get dissed enough as it is just being Asian. They call me names like "nip" and "gook". It's not like when I was growing up in India. Everyone here in Wyoming is white. I consider it a good day when some goof in a pickup truck doesn't try to run me over.
I: How do you deal with people trying to hurt you?
J: It's pretty safe around here, but we Asians need to stick together. Some of my best friends in our gang are Chinese. It's strange to have Chinese friends when my family has been treated badly by the Chinese, but this is America-- I gotta live here with my own karma. Some skinhead doesn't care whether I'm Tibetan or Chinese. He just wants to stomp my head.
I: You're in a gang?
J: It's just for protection. It's like if a guy threatens one of us, there's nothing we can do on our own, but by getting a bunch of us together, we can defend ourselves. We don't have guns, and we don't do drugs or rob people. Can we talk about something else?
I: Sure. Do you like your students?
J: Yeah, they're all right. They're kind of funny. It's like, they say they come for the teachings, but when they get into the interview room, they talk about other stuff.
I: What other stuff?
J: They mainly talk about the opposite sex. Men talk about problems with their wives, and women talk about their husbands and boyfriends. I don't get it. It's like, I have little time as it is with school and Little League and my chores, and they want me to be a shrink or something. And I'm only thirteen! I mean, I've got girlfriends and all, but what do I know about relationships?
I: So what do you tell them?
J: I talked to my dad about it, and he gave me a stack of business cards from one of his friends, a psychologist. I just hand my students one of the cards when they start talking about relationships. I put my name on the back of the card, and whenever my dad's friend gets a new client he takes me and my brothers and sisters to Dairy Queen. It's cool. Buddhism is no big deal; it's like being a doctor. There's suffering, you diagnose it, give someone a prescription, and hope they go to the drugstore. No one in America wants to go to the store, though. They all want to be pharamists and sit around discussing different types of medicine. What's with that? Take some medicine and come back next week. I mean, don't get me wrong -- Buddhism is choice.
I: So you're fully qualified to teach?
J: Sure. I teach Tonglen, giving and receiving. It's what I think works best at times when people are trying to kill you or too many changes are happening at once, which seems to be the case in this country. You're basically a giant filter like on an air conditioner. You suck in the bad air and breathe out the pure air. I see myself like an air conditioning repair dude. I teach people how to filter and cool things down.
I: So if you can cool things down, why do you need to be in a gang?
J: It's a samsara and nirvana thing. If some guy disses me I can just tell myself that he really doesn't exist separate from me, you know? It's like he's dissing himself. That works fine. But what happens when he stops talking and starts beating up on me? You need to be able to take care of yourself so you don't get killed. We live in samsara, and spacing out about nirvana doesn't help anyone.
I: Don't you see any contradiction in that? The Dalai Lama, for example, constantly teaches nonviolence, despite having been terribly oppressed all his life.
J (laughing): Oh yeah, right. The Dalai Lama is an awesome old dude
and killer teacher. But he's got, like a dozen bodyguards around him
when he' traveling. What do you think would happen if some butthead
pulls a gun on His Holiness? Do you think those dozen bodyguards will
practice nonviolence or bust some karate moves on him? No way, man. A
bodyguard sees this dweeb with a gun and he's gonna pop a cap in his ass.
Deep in thought, the artist went to her studio. After many false starts, she proceeded to paint an enormous oil painting. Finally, after many months of work, the painting was unveiled for the curator.
In the foreground, a beautiful crystalline blue lake with a single fish leaping. Around the fish's head is a halo. In the background, the hills and meadows are covered with naked Native American couples copulating.
The curator is both disgusted and baffled by what he sees. In a rage he turns to the artist and asks, "What the hell has this got to do with Custer's Last Thought?"
The artist replied, "Well, the way I see it, Custer's Last Thought had
to have been: Holy Mackerel! Where did all these f**king Indians come
from?'"
And the congregation cried "Amen!"
"If I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And the congregation cried "Amen!"
"If I had all the whiskey and demon rum in the world, I'd take it all and throw it into the river."
And the congregation cried "Hallejulah!".
The preacher sat down.
The song leader stood very tentatively and announced: "For our closing
song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."
Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20 " and stuck it in the door.
The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was notation "Genesis 3:10" .
Revelation 3:20 reads:
"Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear
my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and
will dine with him, and he will with me."
Genesis 3:10 reads:
"And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden,
and I was afraid, because I was naked."
The account of creation in the book of Genesis is so familiar and so entrenched in our cultural heritage that many accept as actual historic fact the assertion that Woman was created from one of Adam's ribs. Last week, at a dig in the escarpments along the western shore of the Dead Sea, archeologists have uncovered ancient, original texts that predate these writings by 1,300 years.
Translated, their account of life's beginnings on earth are much more scientifically plausible ... "... and God created Woman, giving her three breasts to suckle her young.
And God spake, saying to her, "I have created thee as I see fit. Is there anything about thee that thou would prefer differently?" And Woman spoke, saying, "Lord, I am not made to birth whole litters. I need but two breasts."
And God said, "Thou speak wisely, as I have created thee with wisdom........" There was a crack of lightning and a lingering odor of ozone, and it was done, and Woman stood holding her third breast in her hand.
"Now just what am I going to do with this useless boob?" woman exclaimed.
And so it was, God created Man
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all . . . and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 1999, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee.
(By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting
is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with
no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher
to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is
void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of
the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the
usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the
issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and
warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish
at the sole discretion of the wisher.)
It was a great cow: had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day.
Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to do. After all he was very wise.
They told him the story. "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?"
The Rabbi thought a moment and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"
"Rabbi!" they replied as one, "You are so wise! We never said we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?"
The Rabbi said, sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."
Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer (JenJohnson). Unfortunately, he forgot his wife's exact e-mail address and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson (JJohnson) of New Jersey, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away.
The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly
fainted. When she was finally revived by her daughter, she nervously
pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is
hot down here."
God replied, "A million years to me is just like a single second in your time."
Then the young man asked God what a million dollars was to Him.
God replied, "A million dollars to me is just like a single penny to you."
Then the young man got his courage up and asked: "God, could I have one of your pennies?"
God smiled and replied, "Certainly, just a second."
Adam and Eve weren't married. Do you know what that makes us?
Welles: "I wish the Pope would make you a Cardinal."
Korda: "Why a Cardinal?"
Welles: "Because then we'd only have to kiss your ring."
Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.
The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies off over the green, where a lighting bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.
Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop
fooling around, we won't bring you next time."
A mother was teaching her 3 year old daughter the Lord's Prayer. For
several evenings at bedtime the daughter repeated it after her mother.
One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride
as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end. "Lead us not
into temptation" she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."
The wife of a reverend tells about her day:
The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a bumper sticker "HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS". I bought it and put it on the back bumper of our car, and I'm really glad that I did. What an uplifting experience followed.
I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked. I found a lot of people who loved Jesus.
The guy behind started to honk like crazy. He must have loved the Lord because pretty soon he leaned out of his window and yelled "Jesus Christ" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting "Go, Jesus Christ, go!" Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out of the window and waved and smiled at all those loving people.
There must have been some guy from Florida back there, because I could hear him shouting something about a sunny beach, and I saw him waving in a funny way, with only his middle finger stuck in the air. I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed and looked at each other, giggled, and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. Several cars behind, a very nice black man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like "Mother something". Maybe he was from Florida, too. He must have loved the Lord.
A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they were walking from their cars toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light was green, and I stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection.
I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window, gave them a big smile, and held up my Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks. Amen.
THEOLOGICAL ENGINEERING EXAM 1
5 Questions, 60 Minutes.
You may use a calculator, the Bible, the Koran, the Torah, and the
Book of Mormon. The speed of light is c. Show all work. For all problems,
assume a perfectly spherical Jesus of constant density D. No praying during
the exam.
1. (20 pts.) Bob and Joe are standing on a street corner. God loves
each an equal amount L_0. Bob then accelerates to .9c. In Joe's rest frame,
how much does God now love Bob?
2. Sven, a Catholic, is in a state of grace. He then has sex with
sheep S.
a. (8 pts.) What is Sven's atonement coefficient following the
act if the sheep was not willing?
b. (12 pts.) What if the sheep, while not technically being
willing, could not be said to mind either?
3. (20 pts.) Let the eternal, all abiding love of the Holy Spirit
be the xy plane. Let Sue's soul be at (0,0,5) at t = 0 sec., traveling at 5
m/s in the direction of the positive z axis. Everything is in Cartesian
coordinates bespeaking subscription to a perfectly rational Enlightenment
attitude towards the Universe. At what time t will Sue be saved? (Hint:
Assume a point soul.)
4. (20 pts.) Assume the Rapture occurs at time t. Cornelia, a saved
human weighing 90 kg, in a state of grace, has her head in the closing jaws
of an alligator at time t. What mass of meat will remain to the alligator
at time t + 10 sec.?
5. Stan is a frictionless, massless Mormon in a rest state. His sin
level for his faith is currently 11 McBeals. He eats .3 kg of pork, and
enjoys it very much. Assume that the Jews are right about, well, pretty
much, everything.
a. (10 pts.) What is Stan's sin level now?
b. (10 pts.) Stan is one of them Salt Lake City Mormons. He
ain't so damn smug now, is he?
Extra Credit (10 pts): 25 grams of wafers and 20 ml of cheap wine
undergo transubstantiation and become the flesh and blood of our Lord. How
many Joules of heat are released by the transformation?
Hand in exam when done, and may God have mercy on your work.
* The 1991 Spring Council retreat will be hell May 10 & 11.
* Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
* The ladies of the church have cast-off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
* A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.
* Irving Beltson and Jessie were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.
As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more then you did." They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.
Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking
along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could
have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this
man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel/centerfold.
Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their
friend Jon. They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess,
while they were stuck with these god-awful women.
Jon replied "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining.
This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm dead,)
and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to
look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to
understand. After every time we have sex, she rolls over and
murmur's to herself, "Damn income taxes"!!!!!
Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room.
Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat, but not in the living room.
Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may eat, but not in the living room.
Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown provenance you may eat, but not in the living room.
Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you may eat, but absolutely not in the living room.
Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in sippy-cups, you may drink, but not in the living room, neither may you carry such therein. Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins, of any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink. But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something, then may you eat in the living room.
Laws When at Table
And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a greater person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as they were.
Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for that is an abomination to me. Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke.
Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you will dip your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away.
When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in order to make noises in it sounding like a duck: for you will be sent away.
When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is within; I say to you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister has done the same to you.
Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.
And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is why. And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, that is why.
Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed me; for if you sit like that, your hair will go into the syrup. And now behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass.
Laws Pertaining to Dessert
For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert.
But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: If you have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can see, and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert.
But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the potatoes, still you shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a small portion thereof. And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a fork, that it may appear you have eaten what you have not, you will fall into iniquity. And I will know, and you shall have no dessert.
On Screaming
Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time. If you are given a plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other are touching each other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling, while you point to the offense with the finger of your right hand; but I say to you, scream not, only remonstrate gently with the server, that the server may correct the fault.
Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome to you and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from screaming. Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto death, make not that sound from within your throat, neither cover your face, nor press your fingers to your nose. For even I have made the fish as it should be; behold, I eat it myself, yet do not die.
Concerning Face and Hands
Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift your eyes to the hills, that I may more easily wash you off. For the stains are upon you; even to the very back of your head, there is rice thereon.
And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the tie of your shoe, rice and other fragments are distributed in a manner wonderful to see.
Only hold yourself still; hold still, I say. Give each finger in its turn for my examination thereof, and also each thumb. Lo, how iniquitous they appear. What I do is as it must be; and you shall not go hence until I have done.
Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances
Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time. Neither drink of your own bath water, nor of the bath water of any kind; nor rub your feet on bread, even if it be in the package; nor rub yourself against cars, not against any building; nor eat sand.
Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you should so
afflict
it with tape? And hum not the humming in your nose as I read, nor stand
between the light and the book. Indeed, you will drive me to madness.
Nor forget what I said about the tape.
In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could.
The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.
Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some 'religion!'"
The sky darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused. Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said,
"Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive...."
However, the one other florist in this small town really took a hit...his business was in a nose-dive, and so he went to the brothers and pleaded with them to start baking bread, wine, caramels...anything but be in the florist business! Well, they decided they were happy selling flowers.
So the florist sent his mother and she, too, pleaded with them. Nope, they were not inclined to stop their lucrative business. So the desperate florist felt he had only one more recourse: send the biggest, meanest, ugliest, most obnoxious bully in town, Hugh McTaggart, to convince them. McTaggart trashed their florist shop, beat up all the brothers and they, terrified, decided to retire from the flower business.
Which just goes to show: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist
friars.
One day they were riding in a car, they got cut off by a drunk driver.
The car flew off the road, rolled five times end-over-end, and came to rest on it's roof. The Priest and Rabbi crawled from the wreckage and were amazed they were alive.
As the Priest crossed himself, he noticed the Rabbi doing the same.
The Priest shouts "Praise Be! You've seen the Light!"
"What?" said the Rabbi.
"You-you've crossed yourself. You have seen the True Way! This is wonderful."
"Cross myself?!? No no no. I was just checking everything was OK.
'Spectacles, Testicles, Wallet and Watch.'"
Dear GOD,
In school they told us what You do.
Who does it when You are on vacation?
-Jane
Dear GOD,
Are you really invisible or is that just a trick?
-Lucy
Dear GOD,
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling
words in the house?
-Anita
Dear GOD,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an
accident?
-Norma
Dear GOD,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones,
why don't You just keep the ones You have now?
-Jane
Dear GOD,
Who draws the lines around the countries?
-Nan
Dear GOD,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that
okay?
-Neil
Dear GOD,
What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had
everything.
-Jane
Dear GOD,
Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"?
Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother!
-Darla
Dear GOD,
Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a
puppy.
-Joyce
Dear GOD,
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad!
He said some things about You that people are not supposed to
say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (But I
am not going to tell you who I am)
Dear GOD,
Why is Sunday school on Sunday?
I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest.
-Tom L.
Dear GOD,
Please send me a pony.
I never asked for anything before, You can look it up.
-Bruce
Dear GOD,
If You give me a genie lamp like Aladin, I will give you anything
you want except my money or my chess set.
-Raphael
Dear GOD,
My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha.
-Danny
Dear GOD,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had
their own rooms. It works with my brother.
-Larry
Dear GOD,
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so
much hair all over.
-Sam
Dear GOD,
I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.
-Ruth M.
Dear GOD,
I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the
whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can
never do it.
-Nan
Dear GOD,
If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.
-Mickey D.
Dear GOD,
I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible.
Love, Chris
Dear GOD,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You
did it. So I bet he stole your idea.
Sincerely, Donna
OCTOBER 3
Spoke with Camus today about my cookbook. Though he has never actually eaten, he gave me much encouragement. I rushed home immediately to begin work. How excited I am! I have begun my formula for a Denver omelet.
OCTOBER 4
Still working on the omelet. There have been stumbling blocks. I keep creating omelets one after another, like soldiers marching into the sea, but each one seems empty, hollow, like stone. I want to create an omelet that expresses the meaninglessness of existence, and instead they taste like cheese. I look at them on the plate, but they do not look back. Tried eating them with the lights off. It did not help. Malraux suggested paprika.
OCTOBER 6
I have realized that the traditional omelet form (eggs and cheese) is bourgeois. Today I tried making one out of cigarette, some coffee, and four tiny stones. I fed it to Malraux, who puked. I am encouraged, but my journey is still long.
OCTOBER 10
I find myself trying ever more radical interpretations of traditional dishes, in an effort to somehow express the void I feel so acutely. Today I tried this recipe:
Tuna Casserole
Ingredients: 1 large casserole dish
Place the casserole dish in a cold oven. Place a chair facing the oven and sit in it forever. Think about how hungry you are. When night falls, do not turn on the light.
While a void is expressed in this recipe, I am struck by its inapplicability to the bourgeois lifestyle. How can the eater recognize that the food denied him is a tuna casserole and not some other dish? I am becoming more and more frustated.
OCTOBER 25
I have been forced to abandon the project of producing an entire cookbook. Rather, I now seek a single recipe which will, by itself, embody the plight of man in a world ruled by an unfeeling God, as well as providing the eater with at least one ingredient from each of the four basic food groups. To this end, I purchased six hundred pounds of foodstuffs from the corner grocery and locked myself in the kitchen, refusing to admit anyone. After several weeks of work, I produced a recipe calling for two eggs, half a cup of flour, four tons of beef, and a leek. While this is a start, I am afraid I still have much work ahead.
NOVEMBER 15
Today I made a Black Forest cake out of five pounds of cherries and a live beaver, challenging the very definition of the word cake. I was very pleased. Malraux said he admired it greatly, but could not stay for dessert. Still, I feel that this may be my most profound achievement yet, and have resolved to enter it in the Betty Crocker Bake-Off.
NOVEMBER 30
Today was the day of the Bake-Off. Alas, things did not go as I had hoped. During the judging, the beaver became agitated and bit Betty Crocker on the wrist. The beaver's powerful jaws are capable of felling blue spruce in less than ten minutes and proved, needless to say, more than a match for the tender limbs of America's favorite homemaker. I only got third place. Moreover, I am now the subject of a rather nasty lawsuit.
DECEMBER 1
I have been gaining twenty-five pounds a week for two months, and I am now experiencing light tides. It is stupid to be so fat. My pain and ultimate solitude are still as authentic as they were when I was thin, but seem to impress girls far less. From now on, I will live on cigarettes and black coffee.
Reading the young priest thoughts, the older priest volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."
About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said "Father, ever since the young father came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it do you?"
The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear father, I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one is missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later came the reply, "Dear Father, I'm not saying you
'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not'
sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping
in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."