Travel

I was looking through some instrument approach charts last night and came across something that almost made me fall out of my chair.

Background: In putting together an instrument approach (a very serious, time-consuming process that takes months of analysis, design, flight testing, and approval), the FAA folks have to assign 5-letter names to the relevant navigational intersections along the approach path. These names need to be at least pronounceable (so controllers and pilots can understand each other when giving clearances and instructions; e.g., "cross WAVON at or above 6,000 feet"), and must be unique in the entire northern hemisphere. This allows the various navigational systems like GPS and Loran to hold the entire database of named "waypoints". It is not unusual for the waypoints to have a regional flavor: around Boston, there's BOSOX and CELTS.

Some FAA approach designer must have been working late into the night when they designed the GPS 16 approach into Portsmouth, NH (at Pease International Tradeport). The waypoints for this procedure, in the order you fly them, would be entered into your GPS receiver this way (I'm reading right off the NOAA-certified approach plate from the U.S. Gov't here):

(use the long-I pronunciation)

ITAWT - ITAWA - PUDYE - TTATT (and the missed approach waypoint) - IDEED

Last May, Phillips was pushing his shopping cart down the frozen-food aisle of his local supermarket when a promotion on a Healthy Choice frozen entree caught his eye He could earn 500 miles for every 10 Universal Product Codes (bar codes) from Healthy Choice products he sent to the company by Dec.31. Even better Any bar codes mailed by he end of the month would rack up double the mileage, or 1,000 miles for very 10 labels.

"I started doing the math, and I realized that this was a great deal," he said. "I wanted to take my family to Europe this summer, and this could be the way."

Frozen entrees were about $2 apiece, but a few aisles away Phillips found cans of Healthy Choice soups at 90 cents each. He filled his cart with them, and then headed to his local Grocery Outlet, a warehouse-style discount store. And there he hit the mother lode. "They had individual servings of chocolate pudding for 25 cents apiece, "he said. "And each serving had its own bar code on it. I did some more math and decided to escalate my plans."

Phillips cleaned the store out - bought every last cup of pudding in the warehouse. He then asked the manager for the addresses of all the other Grocery Outlet in the Central Valley and, with his mother-in-law riding shotgun in his van, spent a weekend scouring the shelves of every store from Davis to Fresno. "There were 10 stores in all," he said. "Luckily, most of them were right off the freeway."

He filled his garage to the rafters with chocolate pudding and stacked additional cases in his living room. But Phillips wasn't finished yet! He had the manager of his local Grocery Outlet order him 60 more cases. "A few days later I went out behind the store," he said, "and there were two whole pallets of chocolate pudding with my name on them."

All in all, he'd purchased 12,150 individual servings of pudding.

Around this time, Phillips began to reveal his scheme to fellow readers of the Webflyer Web site (http://www.flyertalk.com), where he posted an account under the name "Pudding Guy."

Phillips' tale was met with skepticism, if not outright dis- belief, until he uploaded photos of his haul. (They're still there, at http://www.flyertalk.com/pudding.htm).

But then Pudding Guy discovered he had a problem on his hands The deadline for earning double miles was quickly approaching, and there was simply no way Phillips and his wife could tear off all those bar codes in time. "I had to come up with something to do with all that pudding, fast" he said.

Phillips trucked the pudding to two local food banks and the Salvation Army, which agreed to tear off the bar codes in exchange for the food donation.

"We'd never seen anything like it," said Larry Hostetler, community relations director for the Sacramento Salvation Army. "We've gotten some big donations, but always from companies and institutions, not individual people."

Phillips got his bar codes in the mail in time to beat the deadline, and then held his breath. "The promotion specifically said I could get the miles for any Healthy Choice product," he said. "But still, it seemed like there was a good chance they'd get me on some technicality."

But then packages - large packages - started arriving in the mail from Healthy Choice. In all, they contained 2,506 certificates, each good for 500 miles. That's 1,253,000 miles. Under the terms of the promotion, Phillips could have the mile- age posted in any airline account. He split 216,000 between his United, Delta and Northwest accounts and posted the rest - 1,037,000 miles - to his American Airlines account. By surpassing the million-mile mark, Pudding Guy now has Advantage Gold status for life, entitling him to a special reservations number, priority boarding, upgrades and bonus miles.

While we talked on the phone, Pudding Guy did a little math - as you night have noticed by now, he's very, very good at math - and figured out that scheme netted him enough miles for 31 round-trip coach tickets to Europe, or 42 tickets to Hawaii, or 21 tickets to Australia, or 50 tickets anywhere in the U.S.

"Wow - 31 trips to Europe for a little over $3,000," I said. "That's less than $100 a ticket."

"Oh, it's better than that," Phillips said. "Since I gave the pudding to charity I can take a tax write-off of $815. So that brings the cost of a ticket to Europe down to $75."

As it turns out, Pudding Guy didn't donate all his stash to the food banks. He kept about 100 servings for himself, and he's just about finished them.

"Actually," he said, "I really like the stuff."

From the San Francisco Examiner {And thanks to Steve Kilbride}

http://www.geocities.com/ronjoe.geo/CA.html

PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the tower and said, "Tower, this is United 586. We've got a little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go first." The tower promptly cleared PSA for takeoff before United had a chance to object to the impersonation.

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed just a little too high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport.

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ... by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger. Yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."

O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock miles, eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this ...I've got that Fokker in sight."

A man walked in to Joe's Barber Shop for his regular haircut. As he snips away, Joe asks, "what's up?" The man explains he's taking a vacation to Rome.

"ROME?!" Joe says, "Why would you want to go there? It's a crowded dirty city! You'd be crazy to go to Rome. So how ya getting there?"

"We're taking TWA," the man replies. "TWA?!" yells Joe. "They're a terrible airline. Their planes are old, the food is terrible and they're always late! So where you staying in Rome?"

The man says, "we'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That dump?" says Joe. "That's the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they're overpriced! So whatcha doing when you get there?"

The man says "We're going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope."

"Ha! That's rich!" laughs Joe. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on THIS trip. You're going to need it!"

A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe says, "well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave you the worst flight of your life!"

"No, quite the opposite" explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of their brand-new planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to first class."

"Hmmm," Joe says, "Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described."

"No, quite the opposite! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling. It's the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for no extra charge!"

"Well," Joe mumbles, "I KNOW you didn't get to see the Pope!" "Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

Impressed, Joe asks, "Tell me, please! What'd he say?"

"Oh, not much really. Just 'Where'd you get that awful haircut?'"

Conversations that airlines passengers normally don't hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around the world:

While taxiing the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C's and D's, but get it right!"

Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit was running high. Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"

KC Approach: "Malibu three-two Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles."

Three-two Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."

KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"

Delta 105 (in a thick southern drawl, after a long pause): "Well, I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle."

Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

Lufthansa (in German): Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

The sign in a Norwegian lounge reads:
"Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."

Tacked on the door of a Moscow hotel room:
"If this is your first visit to the U.S.S.R., you are welcome to it."

An airline ticket office in Copenhagen reminds you: "We take your bags and send them in all directions."

In a certain African hotel you may choose between: "A room with a view on the sea or the backside of the country."

A sign on a clothing store in Brussels read:
"Come inside and have a fit."

A hotel notice in Madrid informs: "If you wish disinfection enacted in your presence, please cry out for the chambermaid."

This notice was posted on a Rumanian hotel elevator: "The lift is being fixed for the next days. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable."

The room service in a Lisbon hotel tells you: "If you wish for breakfast, lift the telephone and ask for room service. This will be enough for you to bring your food up."

This sign was posted in a Scottish harbor: "For sale boat single owner green in colour."

A sign at Budapest's zoo requests: "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food give it to the guard on duty."

A Polish hotel informs prospective visitors in a flyer: "As for the trout served you at the hotel Monopol, you will be singing its praise to your grandchildren as you lie on your deathbed."

A Seville tailor makes clear how he will handle commissions: "Order now your summer suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation"

A dentist's doorway in Istanbul proclaims: "American dentist, 2th floor. Teeth extracted by latest methodists."

The concierge in a Sorrento hotel lets guests know he's on the job: "Contact the concierge immediately for informations. Please don't wait last minutes then it will be too late to arrange any inconveniences."

Some German hospitals now display the sign: "No children allowed in the maternity wards."

The sign at the concierge's desk in an Athens hotel reads: "If you consider our help impolite, you should see the manager."

A sign in a Kowloon hotel warns: "Is forbidden to steal hotel towels. Please if you are not person to do such is please not to read notice."

Visitors in Czechoslovakia are invited by the tourist agency to: "Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages."

A Rome laundry suggests: "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time."

A London eatery advertised for help this way: "Wanted : man to wash dishes and two waitresses."

A notice in a Vienna hotel urges: "In case of fire do your utmost to alarm the hall porter."

10. Do these steps go up or down?

9. What do you do with the beautiful ice carvings after they melt?

8. Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship?

7. Does the crew sleep on the ship?

6. Is this island completely surrounded by water?

5. Does the ship make its own electricity?

4. Is it salt water in the toilets? (Not sure why anyone thinks that this would be a stupid idea - Ed.)

3. What elevation are we at?

2. There's a photographer on board who takes photos and displays them the next day ... the question asked ... If the pictures aren't marked, how will I know which ones are mine?

1. What time is the Midnight Buffet being served?

BONN, Germany - A German motorist obediently following the satellite-guided navigation system of his car drove straight into the Havel River in eastern Germany, police said Saturday.

He drove his BMW Friday night past a stop sign, down a ferry ramp and about four meters (12 feet) into the river before stopping. The 57-year-old driver from Hamburg and his passenger were not hurt.

Police said the driver reported he was following the navigation system, which had evidently failed to note that the road in the town of Caputh near Potsdam ended at a ferry crossing.

"Normally accidents like this shouldn't happen," said police spokesman Frank Heinichen. "But that sort of thing can happen when people rely too much on technology."

Background for the following stories:

The friend who sent me these said he used to contribute to a magazine on industrial design and one of the problems that they considered was the design of a bear-proof trash can for national parks. They received a letter from the National Forest Service which said that their efforts were going to be frustrated by the fact that, (and he quotes), "there is, unfortunately, considerable overlap in the intelligence of the smartest bear and the dumbest tourist."

A visitor to Glacier National Park in Montana lost his car keys while attempting to lure a ground squirrel by dangling the keys out in front of the critter. The squirrel grabbed the keys and ran down a hole with them. The keys were never retrieved, a ranger cited the man for harassment of wildlife, and a locksmith was called to make new car keys.

In May of 1994, Tony Moore, 43, of Marietta, Georgia, was gored and seriously injured by a large male bison in Yellowstone, next to the Lake Hotel. Moore and a friend had approached to within 15 feet of the bison to have their pictures taken. While they were standing with their backs to the animal, it charged. Moore's companion escaped, but Moore received a severe puncture wound in his right thigh and was taken by ambulance to a hospital in Jackson for treatment.

A visitor setting up camp at Lake Eleanor in Yosemite National Park hit herself on the head with a rock while trying to string up her food to protect it from bears.

In 1994, a woman visiting from the Bay Area embarked on a solo hike to the summit of El Capitan in Yosemite. When she became lost and saw a storm brewing, she called 911 from her cellular phone and asked to be rescued. A helicopter found her barely off the trail and one-fourth to half a mile from the top of El Cap. When the 'copter lifted off and the woman saw how close she was to her summit goal, she asked the crew to set her down on top. When the crew declined, she threatened to sue them for kidnapping.

A woman, appearing rather distraught, came into the visitor center at Redwood National Park in California to report that she had seen several Irish setters lying along the edge of the highway and she feared they were dead or injured. Rangers explained to her that these were pieces of redwood bark that had fallen off logging trucks.

Darryl Stone, now superintendent at Jefferson National Expansion Memorial in St. Louis, remembered working the entrance station at Yosemite when a woman drove up and asked, "Which way are the geysers?" Ranger Stone directed her to continue 1,000 miles further to Yellowstone and told her there were no geysers at Yosemite. "Yes, there are," she said. "I have a friend who saw them." Stone and the woman went round and round several times before she left, insisting that there were geysers at Yosemite. Later she wrote a letter to the chief ranger complaining that Stone had refused to provide her with the information she wanted.

When an elderly couple stopped to film some bears at Dunraven Pass in Yellowstone, a young bear crawled into their car searching for food. Unable to make the bear leave, the exasperated (but well-dressed) couple drove about 17 miles to the ranger station at Canyon Village with the bear in the backseat. When the husband got out to report the incident, the bear hopped over into the front seat so that investigating rangers found the woman in the passenger seat and the bear behind the wheel.

In 1993 a woman called 911 from the top of Half Dome using her cellular phone. According to dispatch, she reported: "Well, I'm at the top and I'm really tired." The answering ranger asked if she felt sick. "No," she said, "I'm just really tired and I want my friends to drive to the base and pick me up." The dispatcher explained that she would have to hike down the trail she had ascended. The visitor replied, "But you don't understand, I'm really tired." What happened next? "It turned out we got really lucky," the ranger said, "Her phone battery died."

Each year visitors to Petrified Forest National Park in Arizona pocket an estimated 12 tons of petrified wood to take home (despite numerous warnings not to take wood and the fact that this criminal violation carries a minimum fine of $275). Some years back, several female foreign visitors, clad only in bikinis, were observed hiding wood in their garments. Another time, rangers received a report that a man had put a large piece of wood in his car. Upon searching his vehicle, they found a 40-pound piece of petrified wood in his trunk. According to rangers, this visitor said he didn't know how it got there. "My four-year-old son must have put it in there," the man said.

A group of European visitors came into the Wawona ranger station in Yosemite National Park and said, "Our car is parked at the trail head and it's been blown up by terrorists." Though rangers expressed some doubt, the visitors insisted that a bomb had exploded in their car and that they could see powder residue from the explosives. Investigating rangers indeed found that a door had been torn off and a powder-like substance-pancake flour--was strewn about the car. "They were quite embarrassed when we showed them the bear prints," the ranger said.

A camper at Long Pine Key in Everglades National Park decided to take a dip in the lake with her dog despite signs saying "No swimming--Danger: Alligators. "She swam to an island about 75 yards from the shore, then saw some alligators and refused to swim back. "Didn't you see the signs?" asked the ranger who retrieved her in a canoe. "Sure," she said, "but I didn't think they applied to me."

Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight.

I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines!

These are comments left on Forest Service comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:

• "A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."
• "Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."
• "Instead of a permit system for hikers, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."
• "Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."
• "Found a smouldering cigarette left by a horse."
• "Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."
• "Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."
• "Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."
• "Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."
• "The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals."
• "Need more signs to keep area pristine."
• "A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead."
• "The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."
• "Too many rocks in the mountains."

The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short-tempered lot. They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing:

Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active (runway)."

Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate."

The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."

Ground (with typical German impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop".

He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am. What is it?" "Did we land or were we shot down?"

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.

Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."

After he sat down, someone else came and claimed he had the same seat assignment, so Mr. Gay moved down to an empty seat.

Soon after that the airplane began to fill up. The rule with the USAir employee vouchers is that if a paying customer needs your seat, you have to surrender it. So when the flight became completely full and still more needed to get on, a flight attendant went to the original seat of Mr. Gay and said to the man now sitting there, "Excuse me, are you Gay?"

The man, somewhat stunned, said, "Well, yes, as a matter of fact I am!"

The flight attendant said, "I'm sorry, but you'll have to get off the plane."

At this point Mr. Gay, who had been watching all of this, jumped up and said, "Excuse me, you've made a mistake. I'm Gay!"

Finally, another man jumped up and said, "Well, hell, I'm gay too! They can't throw us all off!"

After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as we were settling in, the flight attendant made the standard announcement, "We apologize for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should 'deplane' at this time."

A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. "Sorry," he said, "wrong plane."

The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" He said that she had. So she said, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time."

"The following advisory for American travellers heading for France was compiled from information provided by the US State Department, the Central Intelligence Agency, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centres for Disease Control, and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about. It is intended as a guide for American travellers only. No guarantee of accuracy is ensured or intended.

General overview: France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular consequence and with not very good shopping.

France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to western civilisation are champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine. Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that the people wilfully persist in speaking French, though many will speak English if shouted at. As in any foreign country, watch your change at all times.

The People: France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and have no concept of standing patiently in line. The French people are in general gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof, and undisciplined; and those are their good points.

Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess it from their behaviour. Many people are communists, and topless sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie, and they kiss each other when they hand out medals. American travellers are advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball caps and colourful trousers for easier mutual recognition.

Safety: In general, France is a safe destination, though travellers are advised that, from time to time, it is invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the visitor generally goes on much as before. A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the Government to flee to London.

History: France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an airport.

Government: The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held more or less continuously, and always result in a run-off. For administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments, districts' municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths and floor tiles. Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (though, confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom is to be trusted, frankly. Parliament's principal preoccupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific, and acting indignant when anyone complains. According to the most current State Department intelligence, the President now is someone named Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.

Culture: The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to see why. All their songs sound the same, and they have hardly ever made a movie that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes. And nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel (except, perhaps, an evening with a French family -ha! ha! ha!).

Cuisine: Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent, though it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word. In general, travellers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers at leading hotels such as Sheraton and Holiday Inn.

Economy: France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's in Europe, which is surprising because people hardly work at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads with their lorries and tractors. France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-calibre weaponry, grenade launchers, landmines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.

Public holidays: France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among its 361 national holidays are 197 saints' days, 37 National Liberation Days, 16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in Triumph as if he Won the War Single-Handed Days, 18 Napoleon Sent into Exile Days, 17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 112 France is Great and the Rest of the World is Rubbish Days. Other important holidays are National Nuclear Bomb Day January 12), the Feast of St Brigitte Bardot Day (March 1), and National Guillotine Day (November 12).

Conclusion: France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if it weren't inhabited by French people. The best thing that can be said for it is that it is not Germany.

A word of warning: The consular services of the United States government are intended solely for the promotion of the interests of American businesses such as McDonald's, Pizza Hut and the Coca-Cola Corporation. In the event that you are the victim of a crime or serious injury involving at least the loss of a limb, report to the American Embassy between the hours of 5.15 am and 5.20 am on a Tuesday or Wednesday, and a consular official who is supremely indifferent to your plight will give you a list of qualified dentists or something similarly useless.

Remember, no one ordered you to go abroad. Personally, we always take our holidays at Miami Beach, and you are advised to as well. Thank you and good luck."

1. A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

2. I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in South Africa." her response....click.

3. A secretary called in looking for hotel in Los Angeles. She gave me various names off a list, none of which I could find I finally had her fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los Angeles, and that New Orleans was a suburb of L.A. Worst of all, when I called her back, she was not even embarrassed.

4. A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

5. I got a call from a man who asked, "is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "but they look so close on the map."

6. A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

7. A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, California is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

8. I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

9. A woman called and said, " I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yea, whatever."

10. A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express card."

This article appeared recently in an American magazine under the headline "Advice For Tourists". By all accounts it was taken seriously by a lot of people....

The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as "goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to come to the pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word for what was once called a "shilling" -- the equivalent of seventeen cents American. Underpants are called "wellies" and friends are called "tossers." If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a "great tosser" -- he will be touched. The English are a notoriously demonstrative, tactile people, and if you want to fit in you should hold hands with your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the street. Public nuzzling and licking are also encouraged, but only between people of the same sex.

Habits

Ever since their Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full union with Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two or three hour siesta, which they call a "wank." As this is still a fairly new practice in Britain, it is not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm clocks, alas, do not work there due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you are late for supper, simply apologize and explain that you were having a wank -- everyone will understand and forgive you.

Universities

University archives and manuscript collections are still governed by quaint medieval rules retained out of respect for tradition; hence patrons are expected to bring to the reading rooms their own ink-pots and a small knife for sharpening their pens. Observing these customs will signal the librarians that you are "in the know" -- one of the inner circle, as it were, for the rules are unwritten and not posted anywhere in the library. Likewise, it is customary to kiss the librarian on both cheeks when he brings a manuscript you've requested, a practice dating back to the reign of Henry VI.

One of the most delightful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or Cambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat- bottomed boats, which you propel using a long pole. This is known as "cottaging." Many of the boats (called "yer-i-nals") are privately owned by the colleges, but there are some places that rent them to the public by the hour. Just tell a professor or policeman that you are interested in doing some cottaging and would like to know where the public yerinals are. The poles must be treated with vegetable oil to protect them from the water, so it's a good idea to buy a can of Crisco and have it on you when you ask directions to the yerinals. That way people will know you are an experienced cottager.

Food

British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime gastronomic pleasure available to humankind. Thanks to today's robust dollar, the American traveler can easily afford to dine out several times a week (rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your afternoon wank for). Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat in the UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty's seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE beef and won't settle for anything less. If he balks at your request, custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously back and forth while rolling your eyes to show her who is boss.

Once the waiter realizes you are a person of discriminating taste, he may offer to let you peruse the restaurant's list of exquisite British wines. If he doesn't, you should order one anyway. The best wine grapes grow on the steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia -- try an Ely '84 or Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed. When the bill for your meal comes it will show a suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to dine there again, in which case you should simply walk out; the restaurant host will understand that he should run a tab for you.

Transportation

Public taxis are subsidized by the Her Majesty's Government. A taxi ride in London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi driver tries to overcharge you, you should yell "I think not, you charlatan!", then grab the nearest bobby and have the driver arrested. It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are required to make detours at patrons' requests. Just board any bus, pay your fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-colored coins are "pence"), and state your destination clearly to the driver, e.g.: "Please take me to the British Library." A driver will frequently try to have a bit of harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go to your requested destination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American tourist (little does he know you're not so ignorant!).

Speaking of the British Library, you should know that it has recently moved to a new location at Kew. Kew is a small fishing village in Wales. It can be reached by taking the train to Cardiff; once there, ask any local about the complimentary shuttle bus to Kew. Don't forget that buses are called "prams" in England, and trains are called "bumbershoots"--it's a little confusing at first. Motorcycles are called "lorries" and the hospital, for reasons unknown, is called the "off-license". It's also very important to know that a "doctor" only means a Ph.D. in England, not a physician. If you want a physician, you must ask for an "MP" (which stands for "master physician"). For those traveling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the most economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman. Chivalry is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for free on the Tube. Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the escalators or on the platforms; you will find one near any of the state-sponsored Tube musicians.

Once on the platform, though, beware! Approaching trains sometimes disturb the large Gappe bats that roost in the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London in the early 19th century by French saboteurs and have proved impossible to exterminate. The announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you should grab your hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever been killed by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor drawback to an otherwise excellent means of transportation. (If you have difficulty locating the Tube station, merely follow the signs that say "Subway" and ask one of the full-time attendants where you can catch the bumbershoot.)

One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an international Jewish peace organization -- the "shin" stands for "shalom"). As savvy travelers know, this little white lie will assure you priority treatment as you make your way through customs; otherwise you could waste all day in line. You might, in fact, want to ask a customs agent to put a Shin Fane stamp in your passport, as it will expedite your passage.

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These are questions that people actually asked of Park Rangers around the country, proving once again that there is no known limit to the depths of human stupidity. Excerpted from Outside Magazine, May 1995, pp. 120-121.

Grand Canyon:
Was this man-made?
Do you light it up at night?
I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom-where is it?
Is the mule train air conditioned?
So where are the presidents faces?

Everglades National Park:
Are the alligators real?
Are the baby alligators for sale?
Where are all the rides?

Denali National Park:
What time do you feed the bears?
Can you show me where the yeti (sasquatch) lives?
How often do you mow the tundra?
How much does Mt. McKinley weigh?

Mesa Verde National Park:
Did people build this, or did Indians?
Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
What did they worship in the kivas-their own made-up religion?
Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

Carlsbad Caverns National Park:
How much of the cave is underground?
So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?
Does it ever rain in here?
How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?
So what is this-just a hole in the ground?

Yosemite National Park:
Where are the cages for the animals?
What time do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?

Yellowstone National Park:
Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
How do you turn it on?
We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?

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A friend of mine who is a recreational pilot passed me this clipping from, I believe a flying magazine. I do not know which one. They however claim that they got it from a British Airways Flight Operations Department notice.

"There appears to be some confusion over the new pilot role titles. This notice will hopefully clear up any misunderstandings.

The titles P1, P2 and Co-Pilot will now cease to have any meaning, within the BA operations manuals. They are to be replaced by Handling Pilot, Non-handling Pilot, Handling Landing Pilot, Non-Handling Landing Pilot, Handling Non-Landing Pilot, and Non Handling Non-Landing Pilot.

The Landing Pilot, is initially the Handling Pilot and will handle the take-off and landing except in role reversal when he is the Non-Handling Pilot for taxi Until the Handling Non-Landing Pilot, hands the Handling to the Landing Pilot at eighty knots.

The Non-Landing (Non-Handling, since the Landing Pilot is Handling) Pilot reads the checklist to the Handling Pilot until after the Before Descent Checklist completion, when the Handling Landing Pilot hands the handling to the Non-Handling Non-Landing Pilot who then becomes the Handling Non-Landing Pilot.

The Landing Pilot is the Non-Handling Pilot until the "decision altitude" call, when the Handling Non-Landing Pilot hands the handling to the Non-Handling Landing Pilot, unless the latter calls "go-around", in which case the Handling Non-Landing Pilot, continues Handling and the Non-Handling Landing Pilot continues non-handling until the next call of "land" or "go-around", as appropriate.

In view of the recent confusion over these rules, it was deemed necessary to restate them clearly."

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Seems that two Turkish businessmen were on a trip to Russia- St. Petersburg or Ekaterinburg, I think. They spoke no Russian, and/or at least could not read Cyrillic script: they had pre-addressed signs written out in Cyrillic to show the taxi driver how to get to their hotel. Once at their hotel, they decided to carefully, paying close attention to detail, write out the Cyrillic letters to their hotel on large sheets of paper which they put in their briefcases, just in case they got lost.

Well, wouldn't you know it, the next day, indeedy do, yep, they did get hopelessly lost in on those timeless Russian streets (oops, sorry, wrong song). So they pulled their trusty placards out of their briefcases, and started holding them up in the air and pointing to them, gesticulating wildly, hoping someone could point their way back to the hotel.

At first, they just got strange looks, and these guys only got more frustrated, and they started going around to everyone they could find, holding up their signs and pointing to them. Pretty soon, they started to attract a crowd, which wound up getting quite agitated at the antics of these two Turks. Finally, the police showed up, and arrested them for disturbing the peace.

Seems these men had oh, so carefully paid great detail to those signs by the hotel entrance, yes indeed. They had, in great detail, written out, and then started to wave about, a pair of signs which said NO VACANCY and LOBBY.

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By PETE HERRERA Associated Press Writer

ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. (AP) Media mogul Ted Turner owns 1,000 square miles of it. It's where America built the world's first atomic bomb. But as far as an Olympic Games ticket agent and her supervisor were concerned, New Mexico where Turner owns ranches totaling more than a half million acres was foreign territory.

Wade Miller, a Santa Fe resident and volleyball fan, encountered the geography goof Tuesday when he called the Summer Olympics ticket office in Turner's hometown of Atlanta. Miller was assured volleyball tickets were still available, and things went smoothly until the ticket agent asked Miller for his address and zip code. Miller, 31, gave the woman his home address in Santa Fe, N.M.

``She put me on hold, then came back and said she couldn't sell tickets to someone who lives outside of the United States. She said I needed to call my own national committee,'' Miller said. Miller spent the next 30 minutes trying to convince the ticket seller and a supervisor that New Mexico has been a state since 1912. ``I asked them, `You've never heard of Los Alamos, where they did all the atomic testing?' It's right next to Arizona, underneath Colorado, next to Texas and Oklahoma, there is a state called New Mexico. It's a beautiful state with mountains, snow and trees. ... We have a big city called Albuquerque.''

When the ticket agent turned the call over to her supervisor, Miller met with similar resistance. ``I told her I was calling from New Mexico and emphasized the New,'' Miller said. ``She told me, `Sir, New Mexico, old Mexico, it doesn't matter. understand it's a territory, but you still have to go through your nation's Olympic committee.''' Miller said the supervisor suggested he contact the Mexican or Puerto Rican Olympic committees. ``What if I told you I lived in Colorado, California, Arizona, Texas or Oklahoma?'' Miller asked the supervisor. He was told that would be no problem. ``I told her New Mexico is right in between all those states.''

Growing concerned that he would lose out on the volleyball tickets, Miller went to Plan B. He had moved to Santa Fe two years ago from Phoenix and still maintains a residence there, so he decided to have the tickets mailed to his Phoenix address. That did the trick. But before hanging up, Miller decided he'd try to smooth the way for any other New Mexican who might call the Atlanta ticket office. ``I told (the supervisor) if she wanted, I would fax her a map of the southwestern United States,'' Miller said. ``I told her, `I've only lived here two years, but if you get a native New Mexican, they're going to get all over you. Natives here are proud people.' She told me that wasn't necessary, and she would do some research into it.''

Mary Roome, a manager at the Atlanta ticket office, later apologized for the problem. ``We do realize New Mexico is a state,'' Roome told The New Mexican newspaper in Santa Fe. She said she would make sure her customer service people also knew it.

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An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled.

A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.

"May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "(Expletive) you."

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was canceled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United.

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Reservations of an Airline Agent
(After Surviving 130,000 Calls from the Traveling Public) by Jonathan Lee -- The Washington Post

I work in a central reservation office of an airline. After more than 130,000 conversations--all ending with "Have a nice day and thanks for calling"--I think it's fair to say that I'm a survivor.

I've made it through all the calls from adults who didn't know the difference between a.m. and p.m., from mothers of military recruits who didn't trust their little soldiers to get it right, from the woman who called to get advice on how to handle her teenage daughter, from the man who wanted to ride inside the kennel with his dog so he wouldn't have to pay for a seat, from the woman who wanted to know why she had to change clothes on our flight between Chicago and Washington (she was told she'd have to make a change between the two cities) and from the man who asked if I'd like to discuss the existential humanism that emanates from the soul of Habeeb.

In five years, I've received more than a boot camp education regarding the astonishing lack of awareness of our American citizenry. This lack of awareness encompasses every region of the country, economic status, ethnic background, and level of education. My battles have included everything from a man not knowing how to spell the name of the town he was from, to another not recognizing the name as "Iowa" as being a state, to another who thought he had to apply for a foreign passport to fly to West Virginia. They are the enemy and they are everywhere.

In the history of the world there has never been as much communication and new things to learn as today. Yet, after asking a woman from New York what city she wanted to go to in Arizona, she asked, "Oh... is it a big place?"

I talked to a woman in Denver who had never heard of Cincinnati, a man in Minneapolis who didn't know there was more than one city in the South ("wherever the South is"), a woman in Nashville who asked, "Instead of paying for your ticket, can I just donate the money to the National Cancer Society?", and a man in Dallas who tried to pay for his ticket by sticking quarters in the pay phone he was calling from.

I knew a full invasion was on the way when, shortly after signing on, a man asked if we flew to exit 35 on the New Jersey Turnpike. Then a woman asked if we flew to area code 304. And I knew I had been shipped off to the front when I was asked, "When an airplane comes in, does that mean it's arriving or departing?"

I remembered the strict training we had received--four weeks of regimented classes on airline codes, computer technology, and telephone behavior--and it allowed for no means of retaliation. "Troops," we were told, "it's real hell out there and ya got no defense. You're going to hear things so silly you can't even make 'em up. You'll try to explain things to your friends that you don't even believe yourself, and just when you think you've heard it all, someone will ask if they can get a free round-trip ticket to Europe by reciting 'Mary Had a Little Lamb."

Well, Sarge was right. It wasn't long before I suffered a direct hit from a woman who wanted to fly to Hippopotamus, NY. After assuring her that there was no such city, she became irate and said it was a big city with a big airport. I asked if Hippopotamus was near Albany or Syracuse. It wasn't. Then I asked if it was near Buffalo. "Buffalo!" she said. "I knew it was a big animal!"

Then I crawled out of my bunker long enough to be confronted by a man who tried to catch our flight in Maconga. I told him I'd never heard of Maconga and we certainly didn't fly to it. But he insisted we did and to prove it he showed me his ticket: Macon, GA. And I've done nothing during my conversational confrontations to indicate that I couldn't understand English. But after I quote the round-trip fare the passenger just asked for, he'll always ask: "...Is that round trip?" After I quote the one-way fare the passenger just asked for, he'll always, always ask: "...Is that one-way?" I never understood why they always question if what I just gave them is what they just asked for. Then I realized it was part of the hell Sarge told us about.

But I've survived to direct the lost, correct the wrong, comfort the wary, teach U.S. geography and give tutoring in the spelling and pronunciation of American cities. I have been told things like: "I can't go stand-by for your flight because I'm in a wheelchair." I've been asked such questions as: "I have a connecting flight to Knoxville. Does that mean the plane sticks to something?" And once a man wanted to go to Illinois. When I asked what city he wanted to go to in Illinois, he said, "Cleveland, Ohio."

After 130,000 little wars of varying degrees, I'm a wise old veteran of the communication conflict and can anticipate with accuracy what the next move by "them" will be. Seventy-five percent won't have anything to write on. Half will not have thought about when they're returning. A third won't know where they're going; 10 percent won't care where they're going. A few won't care if they get back. And James will be the first name of half the men who call.

But even if James doesn't care if he gets to the city he never heard of; even if he thinks he has to change clothes on our plane that may stick to something; even if he can't spell, pronounce, or remember what city he's returning to, he'll get there because I've worked very hard to make sure that he can. Then with a click in the phone, he'll become a part of my past and I'll be hoping the next caller at least knows what day it is.

Oh, and James... "Thanks for calling and have a nice day."