Work

1. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)

2. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

3. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

4. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (No source given)

5. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

6. "My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected." (CIO of Dell Computers)

7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday.  When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, Florists)

9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to sk for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

12. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch.

When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos.

A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

This is the winning quote:

13. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond,WA.)

THESE ARE TAKEN FROM RESUMES AND COVER LETTERS AND WERE PRINTED IN FORTUNE MAGAZINE

1. "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
2. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms."
3 "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9. "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
10. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
11. "I was working for my Mom until she decided to move."
12. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
13. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
14. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
15. "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."
16. "My goal is to be a meterologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
17. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
18. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
19. "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
20. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a midwest chain store."
21. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I've never quit a job."
22. "Marital status: often. Children: various."
23. "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions."
24. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
25. "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
26. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

EXCERPTS FROM PERFORMANCE REPORTS

1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
3. A room temperature IQ.
4. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
5. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
6. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
7. A prime candidate for natural deselection. Bright as Alaska in December.
8 . One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
9. Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
10. Fell out of the family tree.
11. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
12. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
13. He's so dense, light bends around him.
14. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
15. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
16. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
17. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
18. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
19. One neuron short of a synapse.
20. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
21. Takes him 1-1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
22. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead

"We wrote a tool called Killamanjaro v1.0 based on RSS 0.9 that parsed a whole (competitor's) Web site and generated 5-10 other sites based on the same business model, wording, and product line to laugh at prospective VC-seeking idiots that claimed they had no direct competitors. There's nothing more fun that getting one of these guys and asking them, so how do you compare to company X when company X is a direct fictional parallel to the company they are pitching. The neat part about the tool is that it automatically did search engine placement, letters to editors for all the news sites that the real company had story placement in, clever domain setup. We put the source code out under the Apache Public License and several VCs sued to quash it. It was later picked up by the Cult of the Dead Iguanas and widely propagated.

"We've always thought it was the single biggest contributor to the flatness of the VC markets and .com crash after one or two of these fictional companies ended up going to IPO before the real ones did. In the past 3 years there's only been about 100 high profile IPOs versus there used to be about 160 per year. You can download it off the following site along with DeCSS, Napster, a couple of Atari game ROMs, and the very first blowfish source code: http://www.cosm.co.ck/kilamanjaro/.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it ?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling ?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference: If it is an United Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday mid-afternoon."

"Just watch," he tells them. The C-130 continues to fly straight and level, and after several minutes the Herc pilot returns to the air and says, "There! How was that?" Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots say, "What are you talking about? What did you do?"

He replies, "Well, I got up, stretched my legs, got a cup of coffee, then walked back and took a leak in the can."

The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.

"I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!"

POOF! A Pepsi appears before him on his desk, so he picks it up and guzzles it all at once.

Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside."

POOF! Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.

He then tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again."

POOF! He's back in his government office.

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by *Q-Tip. Be very sure that you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweatsuit and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Take out the written material that accompanies the thermometer and read it. You will notice in small print the statement that "Every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested."

March 22, 2000

I saw the best minds of my occupation destroyed by venture capital, 
burned-out, paranoid, postal,
dragging themselves through the Cappuccino streets of Palo Alto at Dawn 
looking for an equity-sharing, stock option fix,
HTML-headed Websters coding for the infinite broadband connection 
to that undiscovered e-commerce mother lode in the airy reaches of IP namespace,  
who poverty and ripped Yahoo tee shirts, 
cubicle-eyed and wired on Starbucks sat up surfing in the virtual ether of one-million-dollar, 
one-bathroom condos next to the railroad tracks, 
skipping across the links of killer Web sites contemplating ... Java, 
who rammed their brains into compilers and saw Intel angels staggering 
on microchips under the insane weight of investor expectation, 
who blew off the search for Truth for as-yet-undreamed New Economy scams, 
business models hallucinating infocapitalist messiahs on clouds of market cap,
who abandoned lucid dreams of a Better Way for Shockwave fluff and 
RealAudio baubles dangling from the buggy venality of digital commerce, who, 
while haunted by the scowling ghosts of hackers past -- Stallman, Nelson, Engelbart -- 
auctioned their immortal souls on eBay, 
with documentation and a full year of support included, of course,
who got busted in their spotless Nike cross-trainers 
traveling through cyberspace with a file of illegal crypto for Open Source,
who ate sushi in Austin or drank microbrews in Silicon Alley, 
jousting with bad mojo funk of layoffs, Chapter 11, 
or diluted company stock night after night,
who chained themselves to start-ups for the endless ride from San Jose to Wall Street 
on adrenaline and Evian, laptop batteries flaming out over Oklahoma, 
no more vegetarian entrees, sir, would you like the latex omelet instead?
endless nights of keyboard grinding and corporate microwave popcorn and Jolt Cola 
until the noise of their own deadlines brought them down, 
gawping, convulsing, mute, crushed beneath their own project plans,
who talked continuously about convergence and distributed control and 
cluetrains and Y2K and extropians and Libertarians and 
Microsoft and Linux and slashdot and wouldn't fucking shut up,who pointed their browsers 
at Red Herring and Slate and Salon.com hoping against hope that somebody 
might be able to make sense of the infinitely perverse, ball-busting, soul-scorching, 
silicon-supernova black hole that kept them awake all night every night and 
wouldn't let them alone long enough to find dates in this lifetime,
who tattoo'd and pierced and dyed and branded themselves in 
a desperate act of self-mutilating cyber-hepster cool, 
all the while wearing a suit and tie on the inside they could never, 
ever take off, and praying nobody would find out about the MBA,
who renounced the smokestack relics, the old guard and their father's Oldsmobile 
only to find that they had been replaced by artifacts even less substantial, 
who chanted the free market mantras of laissez-faire and techno-darwinism 
and Adam Smith's invisible hand-job except when Big Bad Bill the Bully Gates-of-hell
 came to take away their lunch.com -- and became Socialists of Convenience.org,
who stalked investment bankers through Bistros and wine bars and martini lounges, 
begging pleading groveling for one more hit of funding from 
the luminous check-book oh please oh please oh please
ah, Bill, you are not safe, I am not safe, and now we languish in the dot com pressure cooker 
hoping for one last buzz of the old hallucinations.
The wrecked avenues, the sullied conduits, the pinched pipes of a quadrillion dropped and ruined packets.
The world wide waits, the denials of service, the infinite hosts of hardcore farm-animal boredom, ghoulish domain-name squatters jumping out from behind every virtual tree.
These failed revolutions, these paradigms lost, the end of Web Time, and P/E ratios good to last the next thousand years.
Dot com! Dot com! Dot com! forever, and ever, ka-Ching.

The Soviet Union faced the same problem. They issued pencils.

Today's etiquette lesson will take the form of a line by line analysis of the following combined rejection-letter and request-for-a-date, received recently by an MIT Sophomore who was shocked at its shoddy construction.  As we shall see, this letter begins with terribly poor etiquette, gains significant ground by its final sentence, but then loses it all on the choice of closing.

From: Simon
Subject: Internship
Date: Tue, 25 Apr 2000 13:52:59 -0400

Hi,

I am sorry to tell you that my manager did not think that you have enough practical experience yet to work here and that he is only considering juniors.  I did look at your web site though and shows much potential. Would you please call us next year for an opportunity with our company?  On another level, I saw a photo of you on your web site and I am wondering whether you would consider going out for dinner with me some time?

Honorably,

Simon Senior Technical Recruiter

Now let us examine the first sentence, which begins "I am sorry to tell you that my manager did not think that you have enough practical experience yet to work here..." There are two shocking breaches of modern etiquette here: first, the apology; in the Internet age, apologies are for the weak. The disavowal of responsibility, on the other hand, is de rigeur.

Second, and more importantly, the rejection is a major breach; in the internet age, successful dotcoms simply do not say "no" to breathing human beings. We can only infer from this rejection either that the author's manager is drug-addled, or the company itself is in a state of such financial ruin that it can no longer afford to hire anyone and everyone who passes the Turing test. The latter impression is reinforced by the sentence's conclusion: "...and that he is only considering juniors" -- a dotcom with hiring standards is a dotcom in deep doodoo.

With the next sentence, the author moves into smoother waters. "I did look at your web site though and shows much potential" is a fine transition from the rejection portion of the letter to the asking-for-a-date part of the letter; of particular noteworthiness is the elision of "it" between "and" and "shows", which marks the author as a powerful man of few words. Although the success of this construct partially offsets the poor impression of the opening "hi", the author is still deep into negative etiquette points.

The followup sentence initially appears to be incongruous, hearkening back to the rejection aspect: "Would you please call us next year for an opportunity with our company?" Upon closer examination, however, we can see that it is actually a clever intertwining of these two themes, foreshadowing greater success in next year's application possibly even *as a result of* the dating process initiated in the final sentence, to wit: "On another level, I saw a photo of you on your web site and I am wondering whether you would consider going out for dinner with me some time?"

Obviously, at this point in the letter, the author has made giant strides forward. He has successfully disavowed responsibility for the initial rejection; he has offered the chance of future success; and through skillful allusion has has implicitly tied the offer of success to his offer of a date. Although the notion that he has time for a date suggests that he may not actually be a true, modern Alpha male, a strong closing might still have helped this letter limp into the category of a minor triumph; unfortunately, the closing instead moves it straight to the rubbish bin.

Indeed, when the 35-year-old senior technical recruiter is both suggesting future employment and offering a date in the very same paragraph to an 18-year-old sophomore he has never met, we cannot approve of the use of the closing "Honorably, Simon." Instead, we might recommend "Lustfully, Simon" "Hungrily, Simon" "In Loneliness, Simon" "Your Plastic Pal Who's Fun to Boink With, Simon" or perhaps even just "Your Future F*ckbunny, Simon". This concludes the presentation of today's etiquette lesson. Class discussion will take place at tonight's...

****************** G I R L S C O U T B E N E F I T ******************
****************** 5:30pm 7AI Playroom ******************

Monday 12%
Tuesday 23%
Wednesday 40%
Thursday 20%
Friday 5%

The following is from an  advertisement in an Irish Newspaper:

1985 Blue Volkswagen Golf 
Only 15 km 
Only first gear and reverse used 
Never driven hard 
Original tires 
Original brakes 
Original fuel and oil 
Only 1 driver 
Owner wishing to sell due to employment lay-off 
Photo Attached 

1. Ahhh...I see the f***-up fairy has visited us again...

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of s**t.

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're right.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. No, my powers can only be used for good.

23. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.

24. Who me? I just wander from room to room...

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by materials researchers at the General Motors Institute. The new element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic weight of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of particles called morons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is totally inert. However, it can be detected chemically, since it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with.

According to its discoverers, a tiny amount of Administratium caused a reaction to take over four days to complete; the normal reaction time would have been less than one second. Administratium has a normal half life of approximately, three years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Studies have shown that the atomic mass usually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points, such as governmental agencies, large corporations, and universities. It is always found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings. Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy all productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate.

Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become Polly-Warner-Cracker.

3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.

John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi.

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become Zip Audi Do Da.

Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey I'm Home.

Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become Mine All Mine.

Federal Express and UPS merge to become FED UP.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge and begin manufacturing reproductive organs.

Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will merge and become Fairwell Honeychild.

3M, J.C. Penney and the Canadian Opera Company will merge and become 3 Penney Opera.

Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women will merge and become Knott NOW!

People who do things badly, according to David A. Dunning, a professor of psychology at Cornell, are usually supremely confident of their abilities -- more confident, in fact, than people who do things well.

http://www.mercurycenter.com/premium/front/docs/incompeten18.htm

The following small quiz consists of 4 questions, it tells whether you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for the answer. The questions are not that difficult.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. (Simple enough?)  This question tests whether you are doing simple things in a complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your prudence.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The Elephant! The Elephant is in the refrigerator! This tests whether you have comprehensive thinking. OK, if you did not answer correctly the last three questions, this one may be your last chance to testify your qualification to be a professional.

4. There is a crocodile-infested river with no bridges. How do you manage to get across it?

Correct Answer: Simply swim across it. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting!

Don't be frustrated, according to the statistics of Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals failed the exam. But most preschoolers got it correct which disproves the theory that most "professionals" have the brains of a four year old :)

I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care. All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset. I want to catch a sunfish in the creek with my grandma and believe it's the biggest fish around.

I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again. I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones. I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.

So....here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills, and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause...

"Tag! You're it."

Dear Secretary of Agriculture,

My friends, Darryl and Janice, over at Jonestown, Oklahoma, received a check the other day for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business myself next year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best type of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all government policies. I would prefer not to raise Razor hogs, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I can just as easily not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised. If I can get $1,000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 "not raised" hogs, which will give me $80,000 income the first year. Then I can buy an airplane.

Now another thing: these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise? I want to get started not feeding as soon as possible, as this seems to be a good time of the year to not raise hogs and grain.

I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send me any information on that also. In view of these circumstances, I understand that the government will consider me totally unemployed, so I plan to file for unemployment and food stamps as well.

Be assured that you will have my vote in the coming elections.

Patriotically yours,
Duster Benton

PS: Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese?

The population of this country is 237 million.

104 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total, the 14,800,000 people who work for the State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people sick or hurt and in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

10) "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9) "This is just a minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

8) "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"

7) "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

6) "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

5) "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

4) "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"

3) "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

2) "The coffee machine is broken...."

AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

1) "Amen"

At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors, the guard said, "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?" So, to the back fence they all went to check it out.

First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, "$2,700."

The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," he said. "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Texas."

1) If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.

2) Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

3) The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

4) Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

5) Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.

6) If you think we're a bad firm, you should see our rivals!

7) Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings; they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

8) We put the "k" in "kwality."

9) If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right thing.

10) Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

11) A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

12) If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.

13) ABANDON ALL HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE. . . .

14) We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members!

15) Two days without a Human Rights Violation!

16) Your job is still better than asking, "You want fries with that?"

17) We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile.

18) Plagiarism saves time.

19) We build great airplanes . . . when we feel like it or don't have any reason to call in sick.

20) Work slow, drive slow, think slow?

21) If at first you don't succeed--try management.

22) At least you're not being rectally probed by aliens.

23) Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

24) This can't go on forever -- Even the Third Reich only lasted 12 years.

25) Never quit until you have another job.

26) TEAMWORK . . . means never having to take all the blame yourself.

27) Work harder you slaves !

28) The beatings will continue until morale improves.

29) ANNOUNCEMENT: All directors and managers have been fired. Their salaries, offices, company cars, and season tickets to sporting vents will be given away in a lottery drawing this Friday at 3:45. New office hours: Mon-Thur, 10-4.

30) Every time I think I've hit rock bottom, somebody throws me a shovel.

31) If you can read this, you're not working!

32) If at first you don't succeed . . . DELEGATE.

33) Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

34 ) "We waste time so you don't have to."

35) Hang in there--retirement is only thirty years away!

36) Go the extra mile--it makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

37) Scum always floats to the top!

38) When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

39) Pride, commitment, teamwork--words we use to get you to work for free.

40) INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

41) Succeed in spite of management.

42) Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

43) We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all day.

44) Look on the bright side--at least you're not working in an IRAQI tank brigade.

45) You pretend to work, and we'll pretend to pay you.

46) There is no I in "TEAM" (But there is in "Management Kiss-up").

47) Work--It isn't just for sleeping anymore.

48) There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs and people who don't work here anymore.

49) Be punctual, be loyal, and above all, never forget that "Manager" is an anagram for "Complete and Total Terror"!

50) Two Drink Minimum.

51) Department of Defense: We kill people--so you don't have to!!

52) It's only unethical if you get caught.

Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)

Make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer to them only by these names."That's a good point, Sparky." "No I'm sorry, I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi."

Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

"Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.

While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."

Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

Insist that your e-mail address be: Fena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized hair dancing.

Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."

Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."

Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none...Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark 17 inch paper,99 copies.

In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favours."

If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

When driving colleagues around insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep 'em tuned up."

Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

Practice making fax and modem noises.

Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.

Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

Staple papers in the middle of the page.

Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.

TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE..

type only in lowercase.

Dont use any punctuation either

Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

Ask people what gender they are.

While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

Sit in your car at the carpark at lunch time pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles"

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical.

After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines.

They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.

The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:
    One chalk mark $1
    Knowing where to put it $49,999

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him.

"Howard. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the last."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality "Howard. You're a veterinarian."

The two rules for managing anything:

1. Never reveal all of your secrets.

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighbourhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co- worker to a footrace down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped immediately and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I saw two gasmen running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"

About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.

"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"

The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"

"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.

"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.

The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.

The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.

"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.

The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"

Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"

The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"

The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"

KOROLYOV, RUSSIA--U.S. and Russian scientists are increasingly excited about the Mir space station project, which promises to reveal more than has ever been known about the scientific relationship between weightlessness and mortal terror.

"By stranding our scientists on a dilapidated space station with faulty wiring, loose hardware, and malfunctioning air systems," NASA head Daniel Goldin said, "we have created extremely favorable conditions for learning about spaceborne panic."

The two Russians and one American on board the station are reportedly terrified beyond lucidity.

Among the groundbreaking experiments conducted on board Mir: a June 25 collision with a cargo craft that depressurized the Spektr module; last week's emergency power shortage, caused by a disconnected cable; and the periodic release of "dry ice" steam that simulates a shipboard fire. All have been deemed a huge success by agency heads.

"They are in a constant state of what aerospace scientists term 'mind-shattering terror,' frightened for their very lives," Russian mission director Vladimir Solovyov said. "And we have not even used the hull-mounted Alien puppet that taps on the window yet."

"We have also taken huge leaps in our understanding of the patterns created when one wets his pants in the weightlessness of space," Solovyov said. "The urine spreads out in an expanding sphere, something we did not expect."

Taking a break from his busy schedule, astronaut Michael Foale told ABC News reporters: "Where is Mommy?"

"Please tell me the access code to the Soyuz capsule," Russian cosmonaut Aleksandr Lazutkin said. "I would like to return to the chaotic government and widespread hunger of my homeland."

Scientists expect to gain even more useful data during an experiment at 3 a.m. tomorrow. As the astronauts sleep, whirling red siren lights will flood the cabin while an ear-splitting klaxon alarm jolts them awake. Detailed scientific data will then be collected on such variables as open weeping, defecation and hair loss.

And you thought your job sucked...

NAME: Greg B

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It was lousy.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
" Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

1. If it is all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

2. When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

3. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday, and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the Explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the Polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

4. My stigmata's acting up.

5. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

6. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

7. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

8. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Hoyas, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

9. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

10. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

12. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

13. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

14. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

15. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

16. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

17. I prefer to remain an enigma.

However, it does have one neutron, 1 deputy neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 90 deputy assistant neutrons, and 209 assistant deputy neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass of 313. These 313 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. It is also surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Research continues in an attempt to discover how it got there and what it actually does.

Since it has no electrons, FBI-ium is chemically inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of FBI-ium caused one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally have occurred in less than a second. It also acts as a catalyst in creating a pulp like substance called "paper" in quantities so vast it has yet to be explained.

FBI-ium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead it reorganizes. Reorganization is a reaction in which the assistant neutrons, deputy assistant neutrons and assistant deputy neutrons simply exchange places. This reaction was observed to have taken place very recently. In fact, a FBI-ium sample's mass actually INCREASES after each reorganization, since some of the morons become neutrons, forming new and potentially dangerous isotopes.

Reorganization does not have any observable effects on the peons. However, this characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that perhaps FBI-ium is spontaneously formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "critical morass".